Have Another Personal Post

Hello. I really have to work on a paper, but this has been bothering me ever since I published the previous post. So.. yeah.. the truth..

Stuff.

So, just to be clear, I really am fine. Like, there really isn't anything wrong with me. Seriously.

But, you know, at times I'm not like someone who society defines as "normal". Let me explain. When I read anything guilty or upsetting, I react by feeling that way. Even if it's from someone who feels that way because they think they made ME feel upset. Then I start feeling negative and start apologizing even though they're the one apologizing to me.

Honestly, I find it difficult for me to find friends I can actually trust. And when people say certain things (about me), it makes me question my friendship with them.

Yes, I honestly do find almost all of you commenters annoying at times. Please don't take it personally, I find just about every person I know annoying at times. Which, yeah, is pretty often. Um, I'm just not a "people" person. But.. yeah.. that's just me. Oh well.

Sometimes, out of the blue, I just feel depressed. I know I'm not diagnosed as actually having depression or anxiety disorders, but.. I don't know how to describe it. It's just like the "happiness" I had earlier in my life is just gone. Like, life's just a drag. When I was younger, I thought I would change and grow to be "better" than how I was before. I actually think they've all become worse since then (except that eating disorder I had.. and those other ones too.. not anymore.. not explaining.. idk why I am typing this). But I probably think that because I'm older now. I don't know, I'm just "eh..".

And about anxiety or whatever, you probably know already that I share most of the symptoms of existential anxiety. I, for one, constantly feel like I'm being judged (which is just about always in a negative way), and I stress over not knowing where I "fit in" society. The future, just a few years down the line, scares the heck out of me. More than most people, anyways. But anyway, I also tend to over-think things in a negative way by coming to the worst conclusions possible for that situation. Like, I always become anxious over the smallest things. It's probably due to my overwhelming shyness and quietness, but doing certain things makes me anxious (social anxiety perhaps). Fear of messing something up and always stuttering when talking to a stranger on the phone (ordering delivery) makes me a bit uncomfortable. Trying something new makes me uncomfortable. Joining a new school club that recently started already makes me anxious (me right now lol).

And what I said about Duke/Fierdan being the characters I vent through is true. When I feel sad, mad, or whatever, I just write down that they're the ones with the pain and not me. Since I've been not as "happy" as before, I hurt them more often nowadays. What I meant by that sentence is that I sometimes feel like I'm gonna "break" like Duke/Fierdan. Not knowing how I'll be in the future, how I'll live my life, terrifies me. In really dark times, I can easily imagine myself as dead, or like I died, better than me in just a couple years from now. That just freaks the crap out of me. That fear of having a mental breakdown because the future, the world, is a mystery to me by not knowing anything about what I'm gonna do it and how, terrifies me. (Wow, I'm effed up..)

Oh and if any of my AJ buddies who also blog are reading this, I'm pretty sure I do read your blog posts. I just don't comment as often or anymore because I just don't have the strength to come up with what to say. But I still view it nonetheless.

Basically, I am just an overly sensitive person.

Oh, almost forgot. Where everyone around you your age talks about their crushes or boyfriends/girlfriends. When your friends ask you who your crush is. When you reply back saying you don't have one. When everyone around you talks about their love lives in general. When you question if you're just waiting for the "one", or not understanding this whole "love" thing in that way. When you make puns clearly saying how you label yourself, but your family never getting it even when it smacks them in the face. When your family doesn't know what it is you're making puns about. When they never heard of it before. When they assume you're straight, but you're not completely sure if you're those things or not, so you don't bother saying anything. When you don't know who you are. When these questions give you headaches. (Yeah, that's lamely strange me.)

Ugh, I just need a break on life. Haha, never gonna happen.

Or maybe just the internet.

I don't have the faintest clue why I constantly make these types of posts. Especially when over half of you don't fully understand what I'm saying (the points I'm trying to get across) and really care about what that is.

Let's face it. You probably find these posts very boring, and you begin to feel sorry for me. But please. I know they're probably very boring and uninteresting to you guys. You probably don't know what I'm talking about. I know you probably feel sorry for me, but please don't tell me that. There's no need for it. It actually makes things worst for me. I just have to let all these thoughts just, like, go. And thus, I blog about them. 

I'm turning this into more of a "life", or "personal", blog. So.. yeah.

I'll try to be more positive when Halloween comes. But who knows with me, haha!

Have anything to say? Connections? Relevant questions to this post? Want to take my quizzes tomorrow for me? Want to write my paper? (Haha, kidding.)

Bye.

~ ♡Cutepups♡ ~