For real this time. Don't guilt-trip in the comments please. Thanks.
(It's not your fault, by the way, *you know who you are*. Or any one person's fault.)
I mean it. This isn't just an hourly vent or something, I've been like this for weeks, months. So.. yeah.
If you've read my Addiction poem (http://blueblazingspirit.deviantart.com/art/Addiction-567040255), you might know what I mean by this. Well, barely.
Blogging, THIS, is my addiction. Being around communicating with you online, is my addiction. It. Is. My. Addiction.
For a really, REALLY long time, it has been great. I had fun, you had fun.. everything was just great.
Then more than just a few months ago, doing this started hurting me a lot. A LOT.
I spend way, WAY too many hours on the internet. For Blogger comments, DA comments, whenever you guys comment basically. Even when you don't. I've gone to such an extent that I barely get enough sleep anymore. My eyes hurt, my neck hurts, my fingers hurt.. it all just really hurts. First thing when I wake up, I check my phone and go see if there are any new comments on Blogger and DA. Last thing I do before falling asleep, I do the exact same thing. The only time I don't really do this is when I'm in school, or when I'm sleeping. I lay in my bed, but it takes me forever to fall asleep. I get around 6 hours a night, if I'm lucky, during the weekdays. More on the weekends, though.
I always finish my homework around 11 at night. Because I always put commenting to you guys before my academics. I said I wouldn't do this, but I am.
Guys, I can't.. I can't do this again. I'm 15 already, and I have so many other, more important things to worry about. Volunteer work, after-school help, a few other things, wanting to actually GET RECOMMENDED AND GO IN advanced level classes for the ones I know I exceed at. I even feel smarter than some to most of the students in the two classes I feel this way about.
Story-planning is just giving me tons of headaches, and can't just be straightforward about any of my characters. Sometimes I just really want to tear up all my story plans because they just hurt me so much.
Also because I've been feeling.. not mentally well lately. Like I said before, I sometimes feel like I have anxiety (especially due to my social awkwardness and hating how I don't know how I fit in within the world/how I label myself as a person), and I sometimes feel depressed for no actual reason behind it (which has become more often recently). Like today, I've had these depressing thoughts. Kinda paranoia thoughts.. I don't want to go too deep into them.
I hate how so many people irl assume things about me ("oh, that girl, she doesn't do anything", "she's so quiet".. more personal matters). It might just be me imagining it, though.
I hate how I don't know who I even AM anymore. Do I even have friends, or are they just all fake like the rest? What do I want to do in my life, in my future? What type of college/university will suit me best when that time comes in 3 years from now? Do I really believe in the same exact way as you do? Am I a burden to the family? Am I ace, or is it just a phase (I hate myself)? Do I really love ANYBODY? Am I just doing this for attention (oh I hope not)?
Like, I don't know ANYTHING. All my irl friends/people I know, they know exactly who they are, what they classify as.. while I'm here like, "Who the **** am I?".
Let me finish from last post. Stop assuming...
That I'm okay. That I know what I'm doing. That everything is totally fine.
Because, the truth is, I keep on seeing things at its worst. Like, what could go wrong, what's the worst thing that could happen?
I used to think more optimistically, but nowadays I think more peptimistically.
So now you know the truth. Please, keep me away from here.
~ Keep me away... it hurts too much. ~
I'll return to blogging as usual when I feel like it, and when I'm less of a wreck.
Don't you even dare try to make me stay.
I've had enough.
Goodbye.
~ ☆Cutepups☆ ~
PS: This isn't like the hiatus post I made around a month ago. I'm not going on hiatus because of lack of post ideas. I'm going on hiatus for the reasons I said in this post, and just for my well-being/health. So please. Don't comment any new post ideas- it won't help me this time. I don't think any of you guys can help me, to be honest. Please don't leave long and criticizing comments either- they definitely won't help. Thank you all for reading this and my post.
ReplyDelete~ S (another name for Cutepups)
PPS: Omg stop with your fricking spam comments you fricking spam-bots. I'm am not in a relationship crisis with my ex husband, I don't care about your spam websites, I don't care.!!
Delete(Um yeah. Spam comments have been going in my regular comment moderating box instead of my spam inbox. :/)
I hope you feel better Cutepups. I'm gonna try to talk to you more, (at least when you feel like it-don't pressure yourself to do anything). but drink lots of water, do the things you love, and study really hard, okay? I'll miss seeing your posts & you, that's all. (Not guilt trip. Just stating the facts). I think I need to take a break too, it's also hurting me. I know it's hard now.
ReplyDelete-Queenie (the weenie) <3
Thank you. <3
DeleteI'm back.
ReplyDeleteowo
Oky uhhhh.. Why do I always have at least one similarity with online people that I know? I check my phone before I sleep and when I wake up too.
Well, see you at the end of the rainbow. And uhhhhh.. When's your birthday? I needa know. So please answer. Okay bye (for now) I'll miss you.
OMG YES YOU ARE NOT A SPAM BOT!!!
DeleteYay, I'm not the only one who does that. Not "yay", just.. idk.
My birthday is the 522 in my username, which means 5/22, which means my birthday is May 22nd. c:
Oky ):D
DeleteOh and what do you mean as spam bot?
When I was checking comments at like 6 am, I got a spam comment awaiting moderation. I delete it and a few minutes later, a new one by another person showed up. Then the same thing happened again a few minutes after that. It was weird..
DeleteFor the ace (asexual is what it means, right?) thing. I'm having the same thoughts. Like, I know I'm panromantic, but I'm not really interested in the frickle-frackle. Then again, I don't really find what everyone else finds hot, hot at all. They'd show me a picture of the girl they find attractive, or they'd point at a fictional character and ask me if I find them attractive, and I'd shrug because I don't. Idk, but that's just me.
ReplyDeleteYou can stay on Hiatus for as long as you want, GET AWESOME GRADES, and GET IN THOSE ADVANCED CLASSES! :D. I BELIEVE IN YOU! <3
Thanks, haha.. ^-^'
DeleteYeah, meant asexual by ace. XD
In fact, 2 of my friends yesterday told me they were bisexual.. //why am I saying this lol??//. Haha, so anyway, yes! Like, it's just pretty weird to me (idk) when I hear classmates talk about sex and you know, that stuff.. and then there's me who never had an actual "real" crush on anybody before. And just about everybody my age is dating, falling in love, etc. .. not me XD! Like, I'm pretty sure I'm heteroromantic, but I'm not sure if I'm also, like, gray-heteroromantic (like, slightly but not really on the aro spectrum). But I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere on the ace spectrum. Because, like, everybody my age openly talks about sex and male/female genitalia casually/jokingly, and I'm just like, noo.. no (never enjoyed their "jokes"). Sex ed made me have uncomfortable thoughts/nightmares. I hate when anyone touches me anywhere (except like hands I guess XD), so sex?.. big No. (Yeah, yeah, yeah I know I'm only 15. But when you're around literally everyone the same age as you, talking about sex and romance all the time, and never really being "into it", I think maybe I'm not purely straight *shrugs*). Then again, I'm scared I'm a really late bloomer when it comes to being interested in those things. But I sometimes do find people (guys) "hot" and "attractive".. never any guys I know who are my age, though XD.. just like on media. Like, I never see them in a sexual way just by the way they look (yes, even if the picture is suggestively sexual), or in a romantic way- I, idk, find them aesthetically attractive, I guess XD.
THERE, I SAID IT.
EXACTLY. When these guys in my class start making random sex noises (whhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyy) I just get REALLY uncomfortable. Whenever they talk about male/female genitalia, I speed walk ahead so I don't have to listen to it. Sex Ed is the WORST. ABSOLUTE WORST. Especially when my teacher is all, "why are people laughing? Everyone's going to have sex one day," and I just snort.
DeleteLike, on social media, I can find people pretty and all, but I'm never attracted to them... at all. I don't find anybody attractive, and if I ever did have a partner, they'd either be ace too, or respect me for not wanting to frickle-frackle.
Idk if it's just because I'm 13, and I don't think any 13-years-olds should be dreaming about sex or anything, but maybe a lot of people are thinking that they'll do it eventually, and have seven kids. Childbirth doesn't sound like my kind of tea either o.O. My cats can be my children. My eleven cats are my children. I adopt my kitty, and name them a fandom-related name because wHY NOT?
WE BOTH SAID IT.
EXACTLY, YOU UNDERSTAND!!!!!!! Especially when you have that very hyped up gym teacher in sex ed who's all hyped up to teach us about how babies are made (that video though.. wtf.. my classmate brought it up the other day *burns angrily on the inside as glares at girl*). This is how school goes for me.. (oh gawd)
DeleteTeacher: You're all most likely to have sex at some point in your life. Find the right person, use birth control, blahblahblah...
Ugh student #1: *laughs and makes perverted jokes in class*
(Lunch line)
Ugh student #2: So I like heard that like Nick (making names up here lol) made out with Shauniqua.
Ugh student #3: And under the bleachers outside.
Ugh student #4: Stop spreading rumors, she's now pregnant.
(Hallway)
Average girl in my grade: So like me and my boyfriend have dated for 1 year omg praise me! (or) So like I broke up with him cuz he wasn't my type, so I dated the other guy.. we broke up 2 days later. (or) Ugh, I'm so lonely, no one's dating me! (or) So yeah, she's a lesbian duh but why she want my boyfriend, like huh?! (or) Eww, my mom wants to know who my boyfriend's mom's name is, like omg privacy, mom, privacy! (or) Ooh, he sent me a picture of him in the shower, I am so turned on by this, and I shall do the same cuz he wants to have sex with me!
(And then there's me)
On the outside: *totally expressionless*
On the inside: Shut the **** up! *explodes in raging flames.. like Duke lol
(That's all from people in my grade. Not necessarily in my classes or my school. Like, regular school.)
X'D
YES, KITTIES AND PUPPIES WILL ALWAYS BE MY CHILDREN. I DON'T HAVE TO BIRTH MY OWN CHILDREN! (lol)
Oh yes
DeleteI don't think I ever mentioned this but I am also bisexual. But I completely agree about the whole sex jokes thing (most annoying thing ever)
*before reads Arctic's comment* *says under breath* yudodis penguin boy
Delete. . .
*after reading Arctic's comment* *was not expecting serious comment* *smiles kinda? about serious comment*
Ahem. I don't know why, but your comment made me smile. It..It's like we're opening up to each other and being serious. Yes, just, yes.
LGBTQ+ BUDDIES
DeleteOmg funny story time (seriousity gone for now)
DeleteSo there's this guy in my grade .... and he's gay .... and (naturally) his best friend's a girl and she has a crush on him even though he is like 300% Gay (and has been out since like fifth grade) so she tries to flirt with him all the time (because he is kinda cute)(but whatever)
So there's this song that she likes (IDK what it's called) And it has the lyrics "I'm so hot I can make the gay boy straight".
So he's going to her house and her mom lets him in and he goes to her room and opens the door right as she's singing that part and lol it was so funny
Wow I sound so stereotypical
That line tho.
DeleteHaha yeah. Me and my friends' gay friend is like that too. Just.. so swag ;w;.
Well, first things firsts: Don't do what you force yourself to do.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever wondered why I write? Why authors write? It's because they have the ideas set, and we're willing to write it.
Why do lawyers become laywers? They're convincing, they love debating.
Why? Everything in the world is derived by love itself. Don't do what stresses you, continue doing what is best for you from how you see it.
I understand the school part. I'm into the better non-accelerated class, but it's so darn hard, and the accelerated has it easy this academic year. I join many events as well, and, so, school is one thing most of us can relate to.
Lastly, school. If you want to survive school, you need to believe you have friends. If you don't and stray away, well, one academic year wrecked. Maybe even for years more.
Plus, family will always love you.
Even if you're a failure, in this world, one who supports you cares for you.
The ones who don't, go ahead and assume they don't think of you... positively. If, precaution to be taken, you want to be a pessimist.
Thanks for your words, Rainbow. ^-^
DeleteOh, my school is pretty opposite when it comes to regular and advanced classes.. but this year's classes are way easier than last year's (except science. lol science and not math.. how ironic).
Well, sometimes I feel like my friends don't even notice I'm right there, sometimes I feel like I push them away even though they notice me, and sometimes when they actually talk to me and have a conversation with me (more like when it's one on one), it feels like a gift to me and I just love it. Like, I know my friends are there and ARE my friends, it just doesn't seem like they are so many times. But I know they still care about me. *sighs* friendships are complicated..
I understand. This is also why I started playing Animal Jam less and be on the internet less. It's not healthy, and it's not good for your health, especially if you're on the internet for long period of time. To the point where you start to hurt and become unhappy, you need to quit or take a break and focus on the important things in life, do things that make you happy and find your purpose in life. You need to get some sleep, too. Sleeping 6 or less hours a night wont do anything good for you, and it's not good for your health either. I think it's a great idea to get in advanced level classes, you just need to work really hard and set your mind to accomplish that. I think you need to take a break from your story, especially if it's stressing you out. Maybe you should try talking to some you really trust or maybe a therapist, if it keeps bothering you. They might be able to help you. Take a break as long as you want, until you start to feel better. I hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDelete~puppyfalina
Thank you so much for understanding! *hugs*
Delete