losing it

Never mind, I'm just making one more post today. I got caught up in some things.

So.. uh.. anyway. I'm sorry. ...lol...

I probably won't be able to write a new chapter for a while. I can't right now.

Uh so I don't know if I can really call these poems, but just pretend these are mini writing things. Okay. They're negative. Uh yeah.

I don't know what these are.

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Actually, I'm not going to write poetry. Scratch that idea. I'm just gonna type things out. Words.. how interesting.

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It's April. April 22nd. In a month, it's my birthday. That's May 22nd. Maybe by the time you read this, it'll be in less than a month.

Birthdays.. everyone's excited for theirs, right? Gifts, parties.. all that fun stuff.

I like to think I'm frozen in time. At least that's what I would like. Of course that's not true.

I dread the future. I dread every time I realize another day has passed.

Why is that? It's because that means it's one day sooner.

Sooner to what? Sooner to my birthday.

I'm dreading my birthday. I'm terrified.

People are supposed to be happy and excited for their birthday, right? People are supposed to be excited to finally get their driver's license, right?

Right?

Then why am I not?

How can I be happy for my birthday if I'm scared about it?

Why is it so scary? The test is supposedly easy.

Don't let it consume you. It already has.

It's stupid to be scared of it. It's stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

The driving test isn't the only reason I'm dreading my birthday. I'm dreading it because realization hit me.

Before my birthday, I have to do so many things.

I have to take my AP exam. I'm terrified about that. There's so much to memorize in so little time. Date, artist, style, title. Form, function, content, context. 250. My essays haven't been the best. More like the worst.

That feeling of inadequacy, of never feeling good enough, never leaves.

I have to take the SAT again. I have to get a higher score than last time. Even if I get to something in the 1100s or 1200s, that's not good enough. It won't be good enough. It's hard to get there. But those scores mean nothing. They're still bad.

Inadequacy and fear of rejection hold me back. They are a part of who I am. I can't just let them go.

Anxiety might as well be my personality at this point. That's what I am. An anxious wreck. A mess. A stupid fool.

Drawing- not good enough. Writing- not good enough.

That's all I have. I know I won't ever be good enough. Both of mine are pretty awful.

Why do I even bother? Does anyone even care? Everyone left except for two people.

What's the point? Am I doing it for myself? I guess so.

If my art and writings were actually good, then maybe I could seriously think of majoring in an art or english major. But I know my works suck.

I have a fear of rejection and of criticism. I can't just go out and apply to things so easily.

Applying to colleges. Applying to jobs. Applying is scary.

I hate being embarrassed. Embarrassment brings only bad memories. Of how many times I screwed up.

I hate my past self. I hate my current self. I hate my future self. I hate myself.

People laugh at their past embarrassing moments. I don't. I can't just laugh them off like they can.

I can't just be social and happy like they can. I can't just talk to people like they can.

Talking to people. I'm not even that scared of people in most cases. Like for instance, at school. I'm not scared of fellow students. Usually.

I just can't bring myself to talk to people. What's the point? All my past irl friends left, so what's the point in trying to make new ones? Everyone leaves in the end. They leave, I leave, it's inevitable.

I'm a hypocrite. I have some trust issues, but I cause people to have them. I cause people to leave. I'm boring. I cause people to hate me. I've let people down. I lied to people, and I say I have issues trusting people. I don't want to be hated, but my actions cause people to hate me.

How can people trust me if they have every right not to? How can people trust me if I don't trust myself? How?

How can I enjoy life if I'm terrified of it?

People are looking forward to summer. Fellow juniors are looking forward to becoming seniors.

I'm not. I'm not like other people. I'm not looking forward to the future at all.

Summer means looking at colleges and applying to jobs.

Getting a job sounds scary. Looking for colleges just sounds pointless if I don't know what I want to do and where I want to go.

Senior year means sending out college applications. I'm definitely not looking forward to that. I'm not that great of a person. I've never been.

What good thing in the future is there to look forward to? Not anything fictional. For real. And it has to be realistic.

I'm losing it. I can't think of anything. Life is too scary. I feel like I was never meant to be here this long.

Growing up is scary. I always knew that. Being an adult isn't exactly fun.

Jobs, bills, taking care of yourself.. what fun is in that?

Being with your loved one makes things easier, I bet. But what if I don't love anyone, and I don't have any friends I can live with? What is left then? It's just endless boredom and loneliness. Great.

Since I'm stuck in time not knowing what'll become of me, I've been caring less. I'm careless. I don't care about my future.

I can't picture myself being happy in the future. The chances of something incredible happening are very slim.

I'm not being a pessimist. I'm just being realistic.

If I can't picture myself in the future, then that might as well mean I have none. I have no future.

I'm just here. Stuck in the present. Dreading the future every day.

That's me as of late. For the past few weeks, especially. Writing story chapters distracted me from overthinking and going into bad thoughts. But it can only go so far.

Nothing can distract me from reality. From realizing I'm ruining my own life.

I still have to live. As unfortunate or fortunate that might be.

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Bye.