Time change. That happened. Turned the clocks ahead an hour. In other words, time is fake.
Welcome back to my blog. :•)
I've been very busy this past week. Now I just gotta survive this week. And then it's spring break. Yay!
... I feel like I'm starting to get a cold though. :(
Geez, I have a lot I could say. Why am I starting this post at 2 am? Why didn't I post for a whole week? What the hell has gotten into me? Ahh heck.
In other news, I don't know why I keep on referring to the time I see on my phone whenever I'm typing a post. (Like ok we get it, Cpups, you're from the east coast of the US of A.) Time is irrelevant. Like I know, guys, I know. It annoys me too. I guess I like to type out the time..? idk lmao.
A lot happened in the past week. Like, guys, I actually did stuff. I was busy.
• I feel a little less lonely at college now. (so many group messages though. wow-)
• On Wednesday, I helped create some dog toys out of old T-shirts. owo
• On Thursday, there was paint night. Someone came up to me and loudly said my painting was a "monkey bathing in hell" so that's cool.
• I was very busy on Friday, most of Saturday, and Sunday night.
• I was stressed about a test I had on Wednesday, so I was stressed about that (which I literally just said).
Yeah. Life, huh? Haha.
It's called a Pre-Professional Fraternity. That's the type it is. It just.. be like that.
Haha, I'm a new member pledge person (uh..ok?) of a Greek life fraternity.
;-) yeehaw!!
I gotta finish my brother interviews. Like, you know, just going up to brothers and saying something like, "sup bro, can we do a bro interview, bro?" and that's how it goes.
Oh nah, it's not just men. Everyone can be a brother. Gender doesn't matter. Just break it down and break gender roles. Yee the haw.
Anyway, my nose was bleeding at the same time it bled last Monday. Like.. why? It was warm out yesterday. I don't understand my nose and nostrils :/ smh.
And of course I have to write about my characters. So have this garbage:
The main playlist I listen to nowadays is my Duke and Fierdan themed one. That playlist is now over 300 songs long. I just really like adding songs to their playlist. It's my go-to jam. Like I'll just be waiting for the elevator. And uh.. I'm just listening to those songs. La-la-la. Don't mind me. I'm being casual, I'm normal,, heck.
Some of the songs I recently added. The order I put them in, too. hhhhhhh mmmmfffghggh ;) mm.
I wouldn't advise kiddos listening to my playlists, considering how many of the songs in them are explicit. But for some reason, I feel like I should emphasize it for Duke/Fierdan's playlist.
*cough* The more recent songs I added to that playlist are songs that remind me of Fierdan- in story concepts way, way in the future. Is the main name he uses at that point Fierdan or Danny or Dan? Or something else entirely? I don't know! ... *cough* I'm currently looking for songs that remind me more of the softness and love of story 2+ Fierdan. Because like, the majority of the songs in the playlist are about their (Duke/Fierdan) harsh side and uh.. violence with themselves and others (mostly themselves though). Ok but like.. they both have soft and gentle sides. Even Duke does.
Oh wait. I didn't share that yet. Ok uh.. *throws this at you*
Lately, I've been thinking about Duke. Like.. (at least what I want to make him be like) story Duke is an asshole. He's far from being a morally good pure person. He isn't exactly a genuinely nice person. This boy? He usually has some other motives.
I really want to make it the most relevant in Chapter 76. That chapter is gonna hit hard. I wish I had time to write it though, but of course I don't (I'm a college student, pfft).
Duke, honestly, he's such an asshole. Like.. I hate him. >:/ (just kidding, I love my boy :>)
Duke/Fierdan/Danny loves to lash out. Yeah uh, story 2+ Danny/Fierdan is also sometimes an obvious asshole. He can be a big jerk. He frustrates me just as much as Duke does. Emotions and actions and behavior? That stuff is complicated. Especially when it comes to Fierdan and all his other names.
But it's nice to imagine that beneath all their harsh layers, there's just this gentleness. And that's also the saddest part. Because all the anger and violence and other bs that Duke and Post-(story 1)Fierdan does.. it's all out of a very messed up sense of self-protection and defensiveness. And underneath all those layers, is Fear. And that person would look like Pre-Fierdan Danny from all that time ago. But that boy is older, maybe a young man, and he's so, so sad and damaged. And oh gosh, it hurts my heart. Ok.
I keep on forgetting to make that post where I explain some context for the Fierdan and J part of the skit story. I'm a little scared to, I'll admit. It's full of.. strong themes.
Uh.. well.. (referring to late story 2, story 3 Fierdan whose age is in the 20s)
Fierdan, he:
• puts himself (and him alone) in very risky/dangerous situations because no matter how much time has passed, he loathes who he was and is.
• some of which may be considered "suicide missions" (maybe? idk).
• lies to 'J' repeatedly. when they're boyfriends, to be more specific. lies about certain, important, matters.
• is touch-repulsed and so much so that touching specific parts of his body certain ways traumatizes him. like, it gets very bad.
• but he also goes to desperate measures to ensure he doesn't have to sleep alone all the time. after he and 'J' broke up, he does.. things *cough*.
• so he goes to bars and clubs and hopes that someone will take him to their place. does Fierdan know anything about them? no, not really. does he tell them about his trauma/what traumatized him and gives him panic attacks and other awful symptoms? nope.
• and so basically, Fierdan is terrified of being alone again. he didn't have warm and soft physical contact in so long. he can't stand that happening to him. and so, he doesn't want to spend his nights alone in a bed.
• he mainly wants physical closeness and to not be alone.
• so he ends up putting himself in lots of sexual situations just so he doesn't have to sleep alone. he frequently goes to bars and clubs and sees if anyone is willing to sleep with him. and that means sex. and yeah, he says it's for sex, but really he does it because he's terrified of being alone in the dark again. he hates being alone with his thoughts for an extended amount of time.
• and it's not unwilling sex. he wants it. he could be buzzed/slightly drunk (oh yeah, he drinks alcohol) but he repeatedly checks if he's attracted to the person who wants to have sex with him and that the person is with him. and he also tries to ask/clarify for consent as much as possible, which throws a lot of people off. he does that with women and other men.
• how many one night stands and short-term relationships he had? idk, quite a few.
• and did I say that Fierdan and Ryen drink alcohol quite.. maybe a little too frequently? kind of? uh.. they drink. ok.
yeah ahh. him. ah geez.
I feel like these songs in Fierdan's playlist describe him pretty dang well.
Until next time I have something to say and have enough time to say something~
Bye.
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