blogging stuff and life in general

Hi. It's me. Again. It's always me. :v

I have lots of news that's all over the place, and since I'm a mess nothing's gonna be organized. Okay!

So.. haha.. know what's weird? I can feel very bad and lonely on weekends, and then on Monday I strangely feel so much better. Weird, right?

Well, I had that happen to me this week as well. Monday and Tuesday were both pretty good days. Maybe Monday a bit more since it was a more lucky day.. but oh well.

Like.. oh man.. Monday was such a good day. Tuesday and Monday were definitely two of my sudden positive days. So yeah, that's good!

Also, haha, Tuesday was the first day this school year that I woke up late for school. Like, miss-the-bus-late-and-the-first-class-starts-in-less-than-20-minutes. What a thrill in the boring life of Cutepups. I actually wasn't school late though. Haha.. oh wait that reminds me!

I had a pretty interesting dream last night. I don't remember much of it anymore though. I remember it being pretty sci-fi futuristic like.

I also had another dream fairly recently called "the meme dream" where I remember dat boi (the frog on the unicycle) popping up for like two seconds and that being my dream. Yeah.. pfft.. I'm a memer dreamer.

So what I remember from my dream last night was that there was this Harry Potter aspect in it. But there were no Harry Potter characters in it. I think I was in this group of people in this secret magical building castle place (idk) and the leader pointed to this guy. I think I thought he said a Harry Potter character's name, but the man's face he was pointing to on the paper he had looked nothing like that character. So then I traced the guy's face that was on the paper. And then he got mad that I drew on the paper all over that guy's face. And everyone got mad at me. After that, something happened and creatures were after us or something. We weren't supposed to be in this building. So then we ran down hallways and hid behind doors. Then our group reunited and.. how to explain it.. this device showed up on the floor which turned us humans into millions of tiny dark particles. Then we were human-like aliens with large red-orange noses, for example. Then we did some sort of adventure in another world, and turned back into humans. Then I woke up from the bed dream-me was laying in this entire time, and I was told to put on my blue dress. Then I went to this party.

Yeah, that's basically all I remember from my dream. Kinda cool.. maybe?

So anyway, enough weird talk. More serious stuff. So.. hmm.. future.

I know I've said this for the past two years, but this time I'm pretty sure I'll mean it. So.. yeah.

This blog will probably become much more inactive once school starts next year, if not sooner.

Honestly, I've been thinking of just switching to a brand-new blog so many times at this point. But I just don't find the energy to start everything over with the whole blogging process. I don't want to just suddenly abandon any of my lovely viewers I have. And yeah, I'm so excited when this blog will reach 100k views (eep! :0). But honestly, I won't have the time and motivation to blog often, nevertheless create a new account with a new blog, for much longer.

The difference between what I said last summer and the summer before that one is that for those two, it was just myself. Like, my own accord basically. And, well, for this year (especially when 2017 comes around and I'm still here surprisingly) it's more of a family choice. I won't have much free time in the near-future. They're somewhat upset at how much free time I have already.

I'm pretty old. My family is pushing upon how I should be starting to study for the SATs (google it if you're not American) since I'll be having to take them at some point in the next school year, as well as getting a (summer/part-time) job and if not that then more volunteer work. Which, me being me, is pretty stressful for me. And I'll be a junior next year which is the hardest grade, so definitely more work. As well as how I signed up for advanced classes (have to this time).

So yeah.. future.. life moves on. So I'll continue to be active here as long as I can. Which I honestly don't think will change until late 2016 at the earliest. Because I'm me.. pfft.

Anyway, onto blogging stuff.. now. Thanks for your input, everyone who commented. Thanks for even commenting, I bet it's probably awkward not knowing what to say anymore. But I like that idea some of you mentioned of it being a more calming (idk) theme. I like that idea. I use trees way too much, so I'm still deciding on if I should make it a forest atmosphere or another biome. I don't know if anyone's bored of my banners with trees by now.

And onto that AJ side of things. For some reason, I just want to make this post where I go on AJ for the first time in forever (or something like that) and look at all these new updates and post about it in a sarcastic way. I love seeing these blog posts and videos of people sarcastically looking at the updates. Sarcasm is key. Like.. lol.. *screenshot of Jamaa Township* Look at these gorgeous kiddos begging for love and trades! Such a nice community! Still hasn't changed since I kinda quit this dumb game! I wanna draw a line and submit it to AJHQ, so it can be my personal den item! Oh no, I'm nonmember! Let's rant about social justice, kiddos! *screeches*. Wow, my post ideas are so amazing. Such a pro. Pfft.

Sometimes I get the urge to want to post rants. Controversial topic rants. Not even controversial topic rants that will probably leave people hating me even more than they do already. Basically, I want to post about me complaining over things. But I never find the motivation to actually type up rants. But I really just want to rant about a few things in particular (not gonna say what they are for now). This one thing is just bothering me. But I'll probably get hate for it. Organizing rants.. what an effort.

So if you're interested in me posting rants, tell me. Same if you're not. Not like any of it matters, I just love hearing back from you guys. It makes me feel like I'm not just talking to myself via blogging.

Oh and Cutepups still sounds funny (in a bad way) to me. But I'm bad at making any better nicknames you guys can refer to me as. Cutepups was originally just my AJ nickname, then I adopted it to being my Blogger nickname.. but now it's starting to sound stupid in my head. So.. whatever. Call me whatever.

That's it for now. Goodbye. ^w^

blah

Hi again! ^-^

So, um, I guess I was wrong. Haha, sorry for being selfish and self-centered again, ah.. er. Last time I checked, I know I have 5 people who still read my posts. You all better be different people.. please. Is commenting scary for you guys too? It can be a lot of pressure to comment, I've learned over these past months. So yeah, someone reads my blog still, cool.

Now, once again, I admit I was wrong on another thing too. They didn't get as mad at me this time around. (They got mad last time it happened and yesterday too about it.. it's about something very stupid like very stupid). But yeah, they don't hate me as much as I thought they would. What a relief.

I'm so vague in this post. Whoops. .-.

So ok, my mom told me our dog saw a frog on her walk. She told me that she wagged her tail as she looked at the frog. Ok this right in- Sunshine likes frog. Good frog. So many frog memes. Yes.

Sunshine has also had an encounter with deer on her nighttime walks. So many deer here. Aaaaahhhhh

Anyway, I didn't eat much food yesterday and today, right. So then my brother works at a pizza place, right. So he came home at around 10:30 tonight with so much pizza and different types of pizza. So he was like, "here I brought home pizza", and basically our family bonding time for today was us all eating a slice of pizza (each a different type of pizza) at nearly 11 at night. This has made my day. There is food here now. Good.

I'm typing this on Sunday. I don't know if anyone is gonna read this when it's still Sunday. I post so close to midnight, sorry.

School is stressful. Internet is stressful. Aaaaaaahhhhhhh

This music won't stop playing. It's driving me kinda crazy at this point. I could barely fall asleep last night because of it. And I went to bed early last night too, so come on! It's not even good music most of the time. :(

Thelma still loves suitcases. She's sleeping on top of one right now. Little tuxedo punk cat, that's who she is. Yeah ok.

Oh, before I forget, stupid questions I have for you guys reading this! Please answer please I'm a lonesome bean.

1. Did school end for you yet? Or did it just start? Or soon? I don't know, mine ends June 20-something. School.. wow.

2. Should I go back to doing Cutepups Support type posts? What about AJ related posts on the days when my computer decides to cooperate with me? What about aesthetic stuff for a change? I don't know what I'll do with aesthetic stuff, but I sure love that stuff. Haha.. um.

3. Any ideas for a new blog theme? I really want to change it. Pastels, anyone? I'm getting sick of always using monochrome as of recent. Also, gonna put TEO (aka Twinkle's Story) off to the side a little longer. Or at least until I get over myself and don't want to die inside and have the urge to hurt myself every time I read most parts of it. Haha.. um. So yeah, I'll need a new banner too, obviously.

Ok.. well.. it's late. For me I mean.. duh.

Goodbye.

.

New poll is up.

Vote +1 for each different viewer. 

I wonder how many people still view this blog dump.

Lately it feels like only one or two people do.

Or more like none.

Which means everyone else left.

I'm so lonely.

I've been feeling bad these past few days.

Today as well.

I messed up big time.

Like I always do.

I'm scared.

Irrational fear.

Sick of the lies everyone says.

Might change the blog theme at some point.

But right now I'm lacking the effort to do anything.

Everyone leaves eventually, so what's the point in staying?

I don't see the point anymore.

Screaming into a sky full of stars.

Now it's just an empty sky.

I haven't eaten in a while.

This faintly heard music has kept me up all night.

Funny how only my cats could comfort me yesterday.

And they are mini devils.

I guess it's my fault, isn't it?

People in real life really hate me now.

Do you hate me too? 

Sadness is contagious.

It spreads like a wildfire.

Everywhere I go online someone is sad.

There's nothing I can do to make it better anyway.

There's nothing I can do.

Nothing is working.

I'm not happy anymore.

After all, how can I?

This post is vague and quite depressing.

I think that's why no one stayed.

Everyone gives up on me at some point.

It's the inevitable truth.

I gave up too.

Bye.

,,,

I got this app.

Maybe I'll vent on there instead of spamming you guys with them on here.

I don't know yet.

I gotta get the hang of it.

I was right about how no one bothers to read my posts and comment on them anymore. Except that one person (thanks).

My faith in trusting friends is really low. It's the same for every person. Same shiz all the time. And I'm sick of it. Sick of myself for falling for the lies they say every single time. Always the same shiz.

If I consider you a close online mutual of mine, join me on this app. Only if you want to. I don't want to burden any of you guys. It's called Vent. I guess you vent on it..? It's not that helpful posting my vents on here. I don't want the risk of drama (again) and I'm almost constantly anxious about something I can't control.

My family has said some pretty rude stuff the last few days. Not today though. Thankfully.

It's hard for me to recover from things people have said that's directed at me. I never get over it. Those things, those memories, never go away. And it won't. That's just how things are.

But to have the nerve of reminding me about them. To hear from your own family how they'll be happy off without you in the future and would like you to be gone from them. To see literally everyone else hanging out and being close with other people while you have no friends and nobody to hang out with. To see people so happy with someone else while you're all on your own. To have intrusive thoughts run through your head several times a day and having to ignore them every single time. To have the mindset that everyone hates you for something so you have to hate everyone back in return. It hurts.

To not have what most other people have. Someone to talk to no matter what the time is, someone who you see as a best friend that also sees you as their best friend, someone to walk around and hang out with, someone to laugh with and get the inside jokes, someone that doesn't lie when they say "we'll always keep in touch ♡♡" "let's hang out over the summer 8D" "you're a great friend and I appreciate you".. an actual (in real life) friend. I don't have this thing called friendship. I'm just that awkward loser who tags along with some people. But having friends is different. I lack it. It hurts. And then being hated and mocked for it.

It, freaking, hurts. Anxiety keeps on holding me back. I can't just "make friends".. what the hell does that even mean?

I lay on my bed way too much. Ha...

It's the most stressful part of the school year.

I hate more than I love.

I've given up on so many things and people. They gave up on me though.

Whatever. Everything bothers me nowadays. Nothing is all too great anymore.

See ya.

~ Cutepups

Tear Out The Fallen Spirit

New poem.

:/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tear it all out
The insecurities 
The doubt
The impotence 
The thoughts
Annihilate them all 
Make it gone
Get rid of everything
Now 

Poisonous blood
Everyone falls
Down the rabbit hole 
There's a fire
Growing bigger and bigger
It's getting hard to breathe
It hurts so much
Make it stop 

Tear it all out
The flaws
The silence
The tension
The havoc running loose 
Obliterate the past
Tear myself apart

More ghost than human
Fallen spirit
Covered in a blue veil
This is no marriage 
So silent
So invisible
All alone
Me, my thoughts, and I 

Myself- who is she?
Copy everyone around me
Identity built up by others
Just passing by
So innocent
Only to steal 
Hate me already
No good here
Let go

Please stay
I love you so
First comes anger
Then comes sadness
Followed by this cloudy numbness 
Everyone keeps falling and leaving
It's my fault they've gone away
Please stay 

Former human 
Throw it all away
Flickering lights
Blinding my eyes
Invisible due to the silence
I'm a fallen spirit
Tore myself apart
Nothing's left
There never was anything
Underneath the blue veil
Since I just stole everything
From you and everyone else

Now I shall disappear 
Though I always was invisible to you, anyways 
Since you refused to care
You threw me to the flames
Down the rabbit hole 
Hope you take care
Goodbye.

I'm the worst

I swear I am. Ha...

So, um, hi.

My bad. Oops.

Ha...

I hate hormones. The ugly kinds. But then again, who doesn't?

I'm tired as usual, and Thelma is slapping me with her tail. She's also purring. I wonder if she enjoys making me suffer...

My prescription toothpaste finally came in today. Great.

It's final exam season. Great.

This post is a mess. Sorry about that. I don't even try that hard on anything anymore. I only like being on them online sites I'm frequently on. Though they trigger me to feel.. bad. The internet is so depressing. Seriously. But it's the only thing that motivates me. Wow, I'm such a sad person.

What I don't get is that I see these always severely depressed teens posting new art or written posts nearly every day. And it's actually pretty damn good art. Like.. lol.. it amazes me how people have different motivations. You know? I don't find myself devotely interested and motivated to do anything except surf through the internet which is always depressing as hell for me wherever I go. And these people who are far worse off than me draw decent quality art pretty much daily. Like.. what? Wow. I can barely motivate myself to draw anything beyond the sketching out stage. The only art that I really get motivated on finishing is if it's for another person. The other art just rots in the ol' sketchpad.

Shows how different people are.

Also.. sorry again.. it kinda leaves me feel unsettled that people under the teen years could be reading my posts. Wow, I blog about my teen (mid) life crisises a lot. Wow. But at the same time, I feel unsettled that people older than me could be reading my posts. I imagine people older than me possibly reading my posts thinking of how I'm just overreacting and use such simple words. Gosh, I can never settle with anything!

Also.. I think I'll just be sticking with writing new poems. No more stories, and definitely no more TEO (for now). I just want to make it a thing of the past. It's just too painful for me. My stupidity level.. absurd. I swear it makes me want to hurt myself. It's setting me on edge. I used to be full-on exaggerating.. now, well, the exaggerations aren't as exaggerated anymore. I even got rid of some story plans I had for later chapters and the supposed sequel. Writing is just way too stressful and way too much work, and I'm damn lazy as hell. Continuing will just make me feel worse in the longrun with increased risk that I'll do some of the actions I imposed on my characters. So yeah.. I'll be writing my lame style of poetry for now.

Besides, people grow and their ideas change all the time. Except me whose ideas are drying out like the last drops of water in a lake.

Oh.. lol.. watch me be in a randomly upbeat mood tomorrow. Only then to view myself as an attention-seeking faker afterwards. See, everything leads to something bad. It never ends.

Don't ask me why I posted all that personal shiz last post. I just felt like doing that. Letting stuff go. Remembering stuff recently brought up again by people irl. My thoughts.. that stuff.

Not like anyone really cares. Nobody truthfully does, and nobody truthfully stays. It's inevitable, that's what it is. I'm such an outcast, a loner, miserable. No one's that interested in me anyways. Even my family members say they'll move on happily without me when we're all grown up and all. But.. seriously.. I don't talk, I'm boring with just a trace of having any personality, and who's probably friendless irl. What's the point of being happy with family? There's no point. I'm not happy, alright? I only have myself. I don't trust friends enough. They repeatedly tell me they're gonna leave me forever and be happy about. Ha.. they'll miss me? Yeah right. Is it really there or is it just me.. does this sound lowkey suicidal? Heh.. whatever. There's this small part, real small, that starts all my headaches and migraines. Maybe that's the same part that's interested in the words "no, lost, nothing, death, hurt, shut up, go away, leave me alone, and die". Yeah, and how she says I ruined the family by making it into 5 and no longer 4. Haha, so reassuring.

Words hurt okay. Stop refusing to understand. Stop asking me why I don't hang out with friends. I told you already- it's because I have none. I have mental illness symptoms. You should all know by now that my brain isn't equally the same as yours are. Stop telling me about how great your lives will be when you kick me out of the equation completely. Stop saying you hate me without ever saying those direct words. Stop yelling at me and at them. Family.. ugh. Stop being so blind. Stop downgrading me because I'm the youngest and still in high school while they're in college and out of college now too. Stop saying you'd be better off without me. Stop saying you'll have fun while I'll be all alone and upset now and forever. Words hurt. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!!!!!!

It's past midnight. Ha...

He lp

I should sleep.

----

whateverlolidoubtanyonecaresloli'llbefinei'mjustreallyfrustratedatmyselfandeverythingandstressandcrisisi'mtrappedwithinmyselfandihatemebeingthiswaysomuch:'))

Confessions

Okay. Hi.

I had school today. Half day on Friday. Teachers love bombarding us students with tests and quizzes before our finals.. how fun :)).

I'm tired and want to let some things go. This will probably be like my awful facts posts. Gonna turn risky. Read it, whatever, I don't care. Just don't hurt me, and we're good.

1. I've seen the summary of the latest Animal Jam updates (from Blogger and DeviantArt), especially the Art Studio one. All I really know about it is if you're a member, you can get your artwork you drew in AJ's paint program turned into an item for a diamond price (don't know how much though, I'm guessing 1 diamond) after AJHQ has moderated and accepted your artwork. I really like this new thing, and I think it's an actually cool and creative update. The only downside is I'm definitely a nonmember. So, hopefully, it won't be tested by members forever. But I doubt that.

2. I'm also glad when I heard about other recent AJ updates. 200 buddy slots, nonmembers can change item colors, new plaques.. good job, AJ, you did good.

3. I still check a few AJ blogs and DA artists on a regular basis. lol

4. I cry easily. If you're stern and your voice grows louder all while you're looking directly at me, I will start crying. My family does this to me pretty often (*cough* Monday and Tuesday *cough*).

5. I get ticked off pretty easily as well. It takes a while to physically show my anger, but it's easy for me to suddenly feel angry. Small conveniences like the internet being slower than usual, or my bus driver arriving to school late are the main causes for me.

6. My stomach has, and always has, hurt more often and easily than most other people. Most likely not if you have any cancers in that area or eating disorders though.

7. I technically had an eating disorder. Well, in my first few years of life. Those internet posts (*cough* tumblr *cough*) that say "pro-ana" and "pro-mia" piss me off.

8. I skip meals sometimes. Including drinking sometimes as well. Some days I eat a pretty small daily amount of food. Bad habits.

9. Most, if not everyone else my age, has a vague idea of what they want to get into in college and from there. When I say I have no idea, I MEAN I have no idea. I'm not even sure if I want to be an artist or writer anymore.

10. It's getting hard for me to devotely focus and concentrate on any schoolwork when I'm not at school.

11. I'm such a weak person. I'm also a pretty small teen.

12. If I'm in a conversation with you and I repeatedly ask you "Do you hate me?" or "We're still friends, right?" or anything along those lines, just know I've had a rough day with other people. Like, um, family members being stern and "mean" by saying things that lead to them hating me one way or another. Though it's my fault lol. And irl friends probably don't like me either because of constant ignoring and uninviting me out. So, like, I don't know where else to go to for attention and validation. Um.. yeah.

13. I get cold easily; I get hot easily. It sucks.

14. I hate hormones. They bring demons. Not fun.

15. I find it fake how other females don't get that intrusive thought like, "I have to deal with periods around a week every month until I'm 50 or something. Every month. 12 months a year. Blood. Period blood. To prepare the uterus for a supposed baby. Babies. Making babies. Hmm.. I know I'm such a wuss, but I wonder how much of this I can take. Hmm.. I can't stand doing this for what seems like forever.. I wanna die.". Like, most people don't feel like dying when brought up to repeated inconveniences that can't be controlled (like, periods and the future™). Sounds fake.

16. I hate how I'm such a submissive person and think of myself as inferior to most other people. It sucks.

17. I don't get/don't like all the hype about boobs and butts. It's annoying ok. This might be shocking, but I, a female, would rather have no boobs than have them. That is so hard for girls to understand at my school. It's annoying ok.

18. I get intimidated easily. One-on-one person interaction is pretty stressful for me. Another reason why I'm really scared of starting my driving lessons. Getting in an unknown car with a complete stranger instructing you what to do right away. Where if you hesitate or wait to long, the consequences might be crashing and injury. Haha, I'm terrified.. signed up yesterday.. one of my eyes is messed up.. help.

19. I naturally copy people. Like the smallest things they do. How they write (the handwriting itself, the punctuations, the letter size, uppercase or lowercase, etc.), their tone (how they speak, how the conversation is going, etc.), etc., etc. It's kinda like I'm not my own person since I look up at them and copy them so much. Mostly just their actions.

20. My views on my identity (romantic/sexual orientation, and gender) very slightly fluctuate. I don't know why, if it's because I don't personally know anyone like me, if it's because I need validation and reassurance, idk, each thing switches between mainly two things. Same with health in the physical and mental sense. Since I'm not a professional and haven't gone to a doctor for ______ reasons in a while if not at all, my thoughts on whether I possibly have ______ or I'm actually fine change a lot. I guess it's mainly not my stand since I don't have nearly as much knowledge as professionals. Which then leads to questioning doubt and unsureness.

21. I'm online way too much; for an unhealthy amount each day. Another bad habit of mine.. oops.

22. I think worst case scenarios all the time. Which leads to paranoia depending on the case. It's bad.

23. I've started hearing that kinda old pop music in my room again. It can't be playing in my room; it can't play from anywhere. It's not from outside, I'm pretty sure. I'm also the only one who can hear it. It's still freaking me out. I don't know if I'm hearing things or what.

24. In real life, I'm not as open and warm as I might appear online. I'm very irritable and jealous and constantly cold-shouldered. I'm a grump who shoves people away when I think they're getting too close (not just physically) with me. At times, I can get kinda violent. Haha, I probably have some problems. Whelp.

25. My blogging goal is to reach 100,000 views. That would make me very happy. Though it is just a number.

26. I sometimes have the thought that I might possibly return back to AJ and start posting about it again.

27. I've noticed that I have gotten viewers from 5 out of the 7 continents (not including Antarctica and Africa). Just thinking how global this blog is and how I have viewers from all over is incredible. Honestly, I admit that I'm a bit paranoid that the viewers from certain foreign countries are just the government and political people looking at my blog to determine if it should be censored from the public or not. That makes me feel kinda uneasy. From here (the United States) to Canada, to Brazil, to France, to Russia, to China, to Australia (with a few other countries along the way as well).. it's just so incredible. It's so cool. Well, um, thanks!

28. It's really easy for me to notice a change in someone's tone. Whether that's in person or over the internet. If you're acting different than usual, then I know something's up. I won't point it out, but I know something's wrong. You don't even have to tell me anything, I'll already be suspecting something about you is off. So I know. Well, I have to know you at least a little bit. Um.. ok. People changing their tone, voice, way of speaking, body language, etc. affects me greatly. Yay me for being a very sensitive person. Pfft.

I'm out of facts to list.

I guess these can count as confessions, right? Um.. whatever.

I'm tired. All the time. Stupid hormones.

Bye now!

~ Cutepups ^-^'