I'm the worst

I swear I am. Ha...

So, um, hi.

My bad. Oops.

Ha...

I hate hormones. The ugly kinds. But then again, who doesn't?

I'm tired as usual, and Thelma is slapping me with her tail. She's also purring. I wonder if she enjoys making me suffer...

My prescription toothpaste finally came in today. Great.

It's final exam season. Great.

This post is a mess. Sorry about that. I don't even try that hard on anything anymore. I only like being on them online sites I'm frequently on. Though they trigger me to feel.. bad. The internet is so depressing. Seriously. But it's the only thing that motivates me. Wow, I'm such a sad person.

What I don't get is that I see these always severely depressed teens posting new art or written posts nearly every day. And it's actually pretty damn good art. Like.. lol.. it amazes me how people have different motivations. You know? I don't find myself devotely interested and motivated to do anything except surf through the internet which is always depressing as hell for me wherever I go. And these people who are far worse off than me draw decent quality art pretty much daily. Like.. what? Wow. I can barely motivate myself to draw anything beyond the sketching out stage. The only art that I really get motivated on finishing is if it's for another person. The other art just rots in the ol' sketchpad.

Shows how different people are.

Also.. sorry again.. it kinda leaves me feel unsettled that people under the teen years could be reading my posts. Wow, I blog about my teen (mid) life crisises a lot. Wow. But at the same time, I feel unsettled that people older than me could be reading my posts. I imagine people older than me possibly reading my posts thinking of how I'm just overreacting and use such simple words. Gosh, I can never settle with anything!

Also.. I think I'll just be sticking with writing new poems. No more stories, and definitely no more TEO (for now). I just want to make it a thing of the past. It's just too painful for me. My stupidity level.. absurd. I swear it makes me want to hurt myself. It's setting me on edge. I used to be full-on exaggerating.. now, well, the exaggerations aren't as exaggerated anymore. I even got rid of some story plans I had for later chapters and the supposed sequel. Writing is just way too stressful and way too much work, and I'm damn lazy as hell. Continuing will just make me feel worse in the longrun with increased risk that I'll do some of the actions I imposed on my characters. So yeah.. I'll be writing my lame style of poetry for now.

Besides, people grow and their ideas change all the time. Except me whose ideas are drying out like the last drops of water in a lake.

Oh.. lol.. watch me be in a randomly upbeat mood tomorrow. Only then to view myself as an attention-seeking faker afterwards. See, everything leads to something bad. It never ends.

Don't ask me why I posted all that personal shiz last post. I just felt like doing that. Letting stuff go. Remembering stuff recently brought up again by people irl. My thoughts.. that stuff.

Not like anyone really cares. Nobody truthfully does, and nobody truthfully stays. It's inevitable, that's what it is. I'm such an outcast, a loner, miserable. No one's that interested in me anyways. Even my family members say they'll move on happily without me when we're all grown up and all. But.. seriously.. I don't talk, I'm boring with just a trace of having any personality, and who's probably friendless irl. What's the point of being happy with family? There's no point. I'm not happy, alright? I only have myself. I don't trust friends enough. They repeatedly tell me they're gonna leave me forever and be happy about. Ha.. they'll miss me? Yeah right. Is it really there or is it just me.. does this sound lowkey suicidal? Heh.. whatever. There's this small part, real small, that starts all my headaches and migraines. Maybe that's the same part that's interested in the words "no, lost, nothing, death, hurt, shut up, go away, leave me alone, and die". Yeah, and how she says I ruined the family by making it into 5 and no longer 4. Haha, so reassuring.

Words hurt okay. Stop refusing to understand. Stop asking me why I don't hang out with friends. I told you already- it's because I have none. I have mental illness symptoms. You should all know by now that my brain isn't equally the same as yours are. Stop telling me about how great your lives will be when you kick me out of the equation completely. Stop saying you hate me without ever saying those direct words. Stop yelling at me and at them. Family.. ugh. Stop being so blind. Stop downgrading me because I'm the youngest and still in high school while they're in college and out of college now too. Stop saying you'd be better off without me. Stop saying you'll have fun while I'll be all alone and upset now and forever. Words hurt. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!!!!!!

It's past midnight. Ha...

He lp

I should sleep.

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whateverlolidoubtanyonecaresloli'llbefinei'mjustreallyfrustratedatmyselfandeverythingandstressandcrisisi'mtrappedwithinmyselfandihatemebeingthiswaysomuch:'))