ha..

Midnight posting again. Or after.

Trip down pity-falls again, woohoo!

I see my posts from pre-June 2015. And I'm like, can I shoot my past self??.. uhm. I mean I'm still obsessive over something I blog about. Except instead of my random crap from back then, it's self-hatred. So, haha, that's cool. Everything I do annoys me. That's fine, I guess. Pfft no.

I swear this world is saying "fu" at me. What even is happiness? I guess I'm stuck having a pessimistic mindset. It's so freaking hard to be optimistic. Especially since I care way more than I should. Without being able to actually show it. Haha great.

For the past few days, I've been trying to draw my own characters. My own. And every time, I just can't draw them. It's like I'm better at drawing things for other people than for myself. I'm so disgusted at my art. I can't stay with one style. It's frustrating. Actually, this whole year is frustrating.

Not "normal" enough + not "problematic" enough = ??? what is enough?

Sympathetic and empathetic + not sympathetic and not empathetic = ??? is it possible to be both?

Recently I've been napping way more than I used to. I get tired easily. I swear I'm only living off distractions at this point. Otherwise, I think I'll be sleeping my life away. Ah, but I'm already wasting my life. So there's no happy ending. For example, my only main distraction I had yesterday was listening to chill-step. Well, that was the only good thing.

Ugh, I know. Ok, just stop. I know I'm so self-centered and probably attention-seeking. Dramatic too, perhaps. I know I hate that too about me. I never cease to be annoying, oops.

I'm a bundle of negativity. I know it. Heck, that's probably why they left. Yeah it's so fun when every other member of my family leaves me alone for the day while they all do their different fun activities. I don't deserve anything, so it's fine. I'm nothing, anyway, so it's fine.

I keep trying to draw and write, but oops, I hate every attempt I make.

I woke up from a disturbing dream. I didn't like it. But of course I don't remember any actual part of the dream. How convenient.

I feel like I'm losing just about all, maybe even all, of my friends now. Trust issues regarding friends. Fear of abandonment. Fun, fun, fun!!

I'm pretty sure it always goes down to me having to do action to keep the friendship/t alive. It's bs to me.

"Friendships fall apart".. ok please shut the f*** up. Does every friendship fall apart for you until you have no one left and you, the avoidant person, have to somehow make new friendships in order to not be alone even though you inevitably will always be alone? And do you have trust issues regarding friends since there's a 95% chance that they'll abandon you one day?

Shut up. I'm selfish, am I? Sounding like a guilt-tripper? I know that.

It's that they just get sick of me and don't even want to stay in contact with me anymore. So they must clearly hate me. That must be it.

Either that, or they're all lying to me. Saying they like me and are having fun when I'm with them. While they're lying and definitely aren't fine. Lying about feelings, basically. It hurts knowing they're hiding from me that they're hurting. I hate worrying over other people more than myself. Oh and of course me being used for their personal gains, can't forget that one. Oh no, of course not. I guess I'm only a good friend for me to be used for school stuff or to make others happy. Otherwise, I'll fade out of their lives and be that awkward one standing in the background.

Or it's just back to how I'm not good enough for them, let alone anybody really.

In real life, online, it's all the same. Everyone gets sick of me, there's no point in discriminating it. Friends, definitely! Family, getting there. Who's left after that? Oh wait, no one!

Opening up to new people only to already know my fate, no thanks! No, f*** off, I don't want to add more people to the already long list.

Sorry, this is how my brain works. When I read certain things, guess how I react? Impulsively. I'm more of a feeler than a thinker. I conclude things negatively, thinking the worst case scenarios.

Reassure me, and I'll think you're lying to me even more. Being bluntly honest doesn't help any more than it hurts.

I'm crap. I already know that too. I know every bad thing about me far more than anyone else does. If there really is any good thing about me left to tell me, then that's a change. Though I'll be honest and say I'll have a hard time believing any positive words about me. That are real and honest words. Sorry about that. Sorry about me.

I'm just sick of myself and how I live my life.

My new theme I put reminds me of the autumn season. Oh well, autumn is nice. Colorful, cool, calming. Fresh new set of colors. Maybe that'll change something about me for the better.

Yeah right.

Honestly, I wonder if anyone will truly miss me if I'm gone.

And not be a liar.

What a concept.

People think they're good at hiding their pain. But I still know they have it.

I'm sorry.

Bye.