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Sometimes I wonder why I'm still here.

Or how.

Blogging. Life in general. Both.

Your words aren't comforting.

Since you never felt how I currently do, it gives you no right to say the things you do.

I tell you "no" time and time again (it's the only word I say, right?) but you do it anyway.

You know I always assume things for the worst. You know I overreact. You know I'm scared.

You know I'm stubborn. You know I'm a bad person.

Thanks to you, I'm left questioning how I could possibly live a future.

Thanks for emphasizing that thought in my head.

Thanks a lot.

You know I'm scared. I know you weren't. That doesn't make me any less scared.

Family.. so what? You might be part of the family.. so what?

Then when I'm by myself for a bit, I get reminded that almost everyone is better than me.

Do you honestly think I ever forgot those words you said to me?

Because I haven't.

I distance myself from people because I have gotten hurt from them.

After whatever thing happens after a set number of times, I never feel the same, as comfortable, with them as before.

Like they all said, it will never be like it was in the good old days.

So stop having your hopes up.

You see me crying. You continue to make me feel worse.

I hide away from you. You find me.

Which family member am I referring to? Maybe it's all of them.

Then you attempt to get me out by attacking me.

You know I don't like being touched. And like that? Wow, you are so right. That totally made me feel better. That totally made me hate you less. Yeah but you're wrong.

Maybe you're right. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe it is always my fault.

Maybe I would rather live in a fantasy world than this living hell called Earth 2016.

Maybe I'm still not normal. Maybe I never was.

Maybe you never honestly cared. Maybe no one ever has.

Maybe. All these maybes.

Dance recital later today.

What words will you say? Are the mean ones the only words that count? Are positive words meaningless?

At this point, maybe they are. Mean words shoot through me. They stay there. Positive words just hit me. They reflect off me.

Maybe that's why I'm no longer a bright and happy person anymore.

Maybe that's why I'm blue.

Because it's the only color I didn't lose yet.