shrugs

Meh...

Hi guys. I just wanted to admit some stuff. About whatever. So yeah, let's start!

I know I asked this question on DeviantArt already. But I want to know what you blog commenters and viewers think as well. So anyway, do you guys see me as just a nice blogger, a friend (not mutual or acquaintance- an actual friend), or a role-model? I'm just curious and want to know how you guys see me. ^-^'

I know I don't know all of you that well, but gah.. You guys are incredibly nice, and I love you all. <3

Well, also because I have to know if I'm just too attached to all of you. It's okay if you don't see me as an actual friend, I won't mind, as long as you're being honest. Kindly honest. Because I learned the hard way that some people I refer to as my "friends" don't see me in the same way.

Ha, do friends even exist with me? Without them suddenly drifting away and leaving me?

Oh sorry, still kinda upset about some things. I don't want to bring it up any further; if you know about it, don't bring it up; if you don't, don't ask.

So on another topic, I know some of you guys see me as smart, interesting, and funny. Well, I really do love all the compliments, but I really can't say I really have those characteristics. Sure, when I'm in a good mood and post, my posts can be interesting and funny. But honestly, I've got to be one of the most boring girls I know. I'm not interesting or funny.. I'm dead inside. Oh and smart? Maybe because I'm a few years older than you, but really, I'm not smart. School-smart and street-smart. Well, I kinda am.. sort of. You know what? When you're surrounded by everyone you're close with who's smarter than you, it.. well, it's annoying. I'm not smart, I'm stupid, okay?! I recently discussed with somebody.. I can't keep up these lies anymore!

Oh by the way, I'm anxious and depressed (freaking feelings :/) again.

Okay so, I keep on lying to all of you basically. And I'm sorry. I put happiness to cover up my sadness way too many times. Ugh, I can't keep this up anymore, guys! I don't know, I just don't want to hurt any of you by the truths. I'm sorry I'm like this.

So first off, the blog. You should be thankful I haven't actually deleted it. Be glad it's still here.. though some gadgets are not anymore.

Secondly, I have been pretty close to deleting/quitting Twinkle's Story so many times recently. The writing just embarrasses me to death, causes some of my paranoia/anxiety, and has way too many contradictions that even confuse myself. I was pretty close to ripping up all those papers I story-planned on. Be glad I actually didn't do that.

Before you ask why, I'll just explain why now. I've been feeling depressed and frustrated with myself for so long now, and just about after every single post, I feel embarrassed and regret making it. Honestly, all of this is a joke. This blog, my story-writing, it's embarrassing. I knew it far, far before any of you pointed it out to me. I also am just not interested in blogging. By now, it's just a drag. Every blogging topic I can think of is not that interesting to me anymore. Except me just rambling on about crap. Heck, maybe I do want to quit everything. Maybe I will some day.. for real. And maybe I won't.. though I doubt it.

Oh and remember that poem in that weird dream I had? I think it went like this..?
I don't know why
But I want to die
Ok bye. </3
Well, maybe that girl in the dream symbolizes something. Maybe there isn't any symbolism.. though I doubt it. Ever since that dream, that poem has been replaying in my head time and time again.

Not, like, die. Like restart everything, fade away from the world.. idk. I always screw up something. I feel like I'm failing on just living life. No, no, no. I don't want to die or any of that. I just want to hide away with my pets and.. sleep. Oh wait, I barely got any sleep last night (paranoia creeping in again).

Hahahahaha, I'm totally fine! :))))))

Well, I'm actually not completely fine.

If you just came here to comment an essay-length speech, then just saying it now. Don't talk to me. I'm not in the mood, and I'm just tired of all this.

Oh and I was story-planning a few days ago as well. I love Ardie so much, my broken boy.. so broken. ;-;

Yeah, I don't get it either. I want to throw away Twinkle's Story, but I'm also excited for upcoming story events! Though my story-writing always ends up embarrassing me. And is just crap.

Since I don't post daily much anymore (I've had thoughts of quitting the blog for crying out loud), I don't know when I'll make a new post. Tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, Friday..? I have no idea. It all just depends really.

Oh and please don't feel sorry for me. I don't deserve your pity.

Until next time our paths meet,

And now for the quotes I found on Google. <3 ;-; 

Yeah, thoughts...

'Night.