New profile pic + Cousins art too

Hey. First things first...

Hi! I drew what I look like. Well, what I kinda wish I look like. I drew in my personal art style I've been developing for a while now. Yeah. :> 

Anyway.. haha.. what a perfect time to say that last post. Pfft. Female hormonal changes. Ahahahaaaugh. Emotionally hits rock bottom, and then bam! bloody pain shiz frick.

But yeah, Friday just sucked. It was bad. At least it's over with now.

So today (Sunday), my family and I got sudden plans that we were having a family get-together with some of our cousins. So we went and all that. Anyway, I have these two little boy cousins (one's a toddler and one's an infant). Haha, I like hanging around and playing with them because they're cute kids and aren't up in my face talking about school stuff. So after a while, the older one wanted to draw. So we got this big 64 crayon box out and some paper. Then he started drawing some pretty rad art. Then, since we were playing with this minion toy (from the Despicable Me movies) before, he wanted me to draw the minion. And I did. He was like, "ah wow that's so good".. nice compliment. And then he drew some other stuff and then a minion himself. A little while later, his brother came in. And he started examining the crayons. Doing art with younger cousins.. just yes. Good, very good.

That made my day. Doing art stuff with them. Haha yeah.

Reason to live: doing stuff I like with the little kids in the family that like doing the stuff too

Good feeling, man, it's a good feeling. Makes me feel better about myself at least for a short while.

I'm still stressed about a lot of stuff I have to do. Which is a lot of work. That's the main reason I've been feeling down lately. Last night I had a disturbing dream related to the thing I'm stressing over. Don't be like me.. don't be a procrastinator. Then again.. who isn't?

I'm probably gonna take a break to catch up on all the work I have to do.

 
Anyway, see you guys next post. Whenever that'll be...

bleh cats

Hello, people of the internet. I should really stop posting when I'm tired and cranky, but how 'bout I do it anyway.

(that might or might not have been a meme reference.. that history of japan video is rad)

I keep on googling the definitions of words I already know the meanings to. I must double-check to make sure. Why not double-check everything while I'm at it?

I checked my Blogger Profile, and it has 3,000+ views now. Uh.. wow. I might draw myself another profile picture since my current one is bothering me. The nose looks gross with it facing the wrong way. Oh and I don't remember, but was the gender always in all caps? FEMALE. Like chill dude, you don't have to scream it out. Being female is annoying, anyway. Like c'mon, bruh. 

Yeah and to end my bad day yesterday, there was this spider/bug that looks like a spider moving up the wall next to my bed. But then it disappeared. Then I left my room. When I came back, the spider thing was next to my pillow. Then it just disappeared again.

Yeah.. eesh.. help.

Oh and the guys cutting down the trees weren't as loud as I thought they were going to be. So that wasn't so bad. My cats loved watching them cut the trees down. Watching from the windows. They were so amazed. And scared. He's always scared, that one. Mr. Zo.

And my other kitty cat punk called Thelma.. whelp.. she's good. She makes my days and nights less awful. I'm too lazy to find it, but I'm pretty sure I made a post about it. Proving that yes, I might as well be part cat. But, unfortunately, I'm not. So anyway, I can make my voice go high-pitched and meow like a kitty cat. Which actually kinda does sound like a cat. My high-pitched meowing must sound like a kitten crying or something like that. So Thelma, hearing me, comes up and starts being all Mama Thelms on me. Like she comes up to me suddenly purring, head-butts and steps all over my face, and starts licking me. Then she falls onto her back and lets me touch her belly. Like ok but with all this cat fluff in my face with purring in max overdrive.. well, that all makes me a little less sad and dark feelings. So yes, appreciation post (kinda?) for Thelma. She's still a punk though, don't be fooled.

Yeah if you couldn't tell already by the tone of this post, my day has been better today (Saturday).

Oh and.. about art. I'm drawing stuff. I'm thinking of drawing gore. Eh, idk. Also some fandoms crud. Stuff. All this stuff.

I guess that's it. I have nothing else to say.

Problematic me is out.

nothing's left

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nothing's left. It's all gone.

Anyway, hi. Sorry I'm at it again. I deserve to be shunned.

Let me just say this. No one is more of a failure and screw up than me. Ok. No one.

I'm somehow still living. I don't know how.

My story-writings suck. It's true. They're awful. I'm not the only one who thinks that.

Losing one of my only passions.. it freaking sucks. It freaking sucks that I have one less thing I'm good at.

Right now, there's less than 5 things left.

Practice. Just.. just shut up.

Oh boy howdy do I hate myself and not feel up to existing right now.

My social skills suck. From what I've seen, worse than anyone else. Yeah, remind me all about that. About how much I hate myself and wanna die. Yeah, thanks a lot. I already know I'm ruining my life and my future and every goddamn thing. 

And what I do say is never good enough. It's always crap, I'm always crap.. wow, what else is knew.

I can't handle this. I've screwed up way too many times. That intrusive thought of death loves coming back. Just about any criticism.. intrusive thought. Thinking about the future (the next day, the next month, the next year, etc.).. intrusive thought. Seeing people socializing well with their friends and family.. intrusive thought. Feeling pain.. intrusive thought.

Hell no, I'm not confessing anything to my family. Nope, nope, nope. Please just shut up. They're the ones who made me feel even worse about myself.

I already felt like crap before he started making me feel like crap too. 

Yeah ok cool. I knew it. I'm a waste of life. Haha, keep on saying that around me, family. In different words. Thanks, thanks so much. Screw you all for saying that. Screw your freaking words. Screw you.

Oh, that's right. I'm gonna be woken up early this morning by people cutting down trees right by my freaking window. So that's effing fantastic.

I had another dream last night. Except for the whole monster that wanted to brutally kill me, it was pretty realistic. Just right at home. I almost died. But I didn't. Sunshine was there though. She made everything a little better. Everyone else wasn't there. Guess they didn't care about me. Then it turned from being about a life or death situation to trust issues. Like no, monster, I don't want to be your friend. You just tried to kill me. Whelp.. that horrifying dream changed me.

Anyone else cry way too easily? After an x amount of criticism, I just cry. And it's embarrassing. Out of feeling inferior to too much of a degree (I already feel more inferior than other people.. irl at least), then cry. Out of too much sadness, then cry. Out of too much anger, cry. The words people say don't even have to be that harsh. I still cry. Cuz I'm a crybaby.

I don't know how to properly reply. So I won't do that.

Why yes, great job. Isolate yourself and don't engage in conversation even more than you already do so. You already have just about no one. Great job, Cutepups, you piece of crap.

I don't know, it's a 50/50 shot. I could either go to sleep and wake up feeling better. Or I could wake up and still feel horrible about every goddamn thing about myself. So.. how nice.

.......... ......... .........

There's nothing left that anyone could bother wanting to save. Every good thing is gone. Not like anyone even likes a person like me now.

Words are daggers; words are bullets. There is no good, only bad. I've learned that spending time with anyone long enough, that good words don't exist all the way to the end. Every word causes some kind of hole.

Trusting people who all just end up messing with my emotions.. what is the point? There sure as hell isn't any.

That's why suffering in silence is my specialty. Words only make everything worse. And it's not like any words come when I need them anyways.

It's scary how I could just disappear and abandon going on here and any other online place. And no one would even notice and start commenting about where am I, due to worrying. Ha.. not like I'm a big thing that's worth caring about.

Yay for nothing.

:/

Black Flag

Um.. hi. New follower, huh? That's nice. I've been working on some Pearl fan-art. Heh yeah.

I still gotta get to the store and buy some new earbuds. Listening to music and videos without earbuds is different. Yeah lol I guess.

Oh and I was walking Sunshine earlier this night, and there was this noise. Like, idk man, birds and crickets are my best guesses. And it sounded like demons cackling. ??? yeah it was weird.

??? why do i even post this kind of stuff

But I saw two cute little bunnies outside before that. I always see bunnies here though. Heh.

Okay, brief explanation time. So, ahem, what I meant by my writings last post, I was posting more on my story-writings than my poetry. I'm working on a story (psst, it's the beginning part of my characters I barely use- Teal and Violet) this week. I have it online, so I guess I could post it for you guys to see lol. But I can't help feeling disappointed at it. I just can't focus and write stories that I view as good. In all honesty, there really is no improvement. To be honest, I think the quality of my story-writing skills are declining.

But then again. I know I haven't written a story piece for so many months now. So that's that.

But I can't afford going nowhere in improvement. Life is stressful with college this, college that. Every thing I have a decent amount of interest in (I mainly mean writing and art lol) gets related to college now.

Oh S, what do you want to major in? You like drawing, let's visit an art college. You like writing, perhaps you should go to a writer's college and study creative writing or a regular college for an english major. You have to know what you want. You're halfway done with high school. College...

My art and writings aren't good enough for that. My works don't have that high quality. I'm not that talented, okay? Just.. just looking around me, around them too, people have theirs tons of times better than mine. So, eh, I don't get it. Any of it.

Oh and I feel like I'm not being dedicated and sincere enough in my replies to you guys' comments. And I feel bad about it. But I really do care about what you comment. Heck, sometimes I read them several times in the moderation thing and forget to publish them until hours later. And then I read them over and over again once they're published. I just don't really know what to say as a reply much nowadays. So if I don't reply to comments as much, then sorry in advance.

Oh and due to the fact that I'm constantly feeling uncomfortable and guilty, that makes me sad too. But not really that sad. Like I'm mainly just being weighed down internally by the weight of existential dread. And the weight is painful. And it's my fault since I caused myself to become this way.

Soon enough, I'll likely take a break from blogging altogether. For a few days, a week, longer than that.. oh, I don't know. I'm just super guilty about a whole lot of irl stuff. I got a summer project to do, a summer packet to do, a summer book to read (those are the school stuff). And then there's this SAT prep stuff too. That's some stressful shiz right there. Oh and then being lectured by practically everyone I'm close with irl on how I have to stop avoiding new things and being stubborn about it. Like yeah, just make that important phone call. Oh boy, on the phone with strangers about work related things is so great. So great.. heck no. Yeah, join some clubs. And actually attend the meetings. Like huh, what a concept. Or, my favorite one, go hang out at your friend's house. You can go get pizza and ice cream. Like, what are they even saying? I can't just do that. I don't even know if I'm friends with anyone in this town, ma. I don't talk, and you want me to talk? And plan stuff? With other people? ???

As I've been saying, the struggle is real. Khill mhe. h is for heck.

Anyway, I titled this post with that title because I made a poem. I titled it Black Flag. My titles are so creative as you can see. Creative as the color green.

I'll just end the post with it then lol.

Black Flag

No, we won't 
We won't surrender 
We won't give up
We won't be defeated 
Push us
Harass us
Manipulate us
Torture us
Hate us
Break us until we
Can barely handle it anymore 
Watch us bleed 
Do absolutely nothing 
We only raise one flag
The black flag 
Because after all this
Pain and misery 
We're still here 
We're still alive 
Raise the black flag
We'll never stop fighting 
We'll never surrender 
We'll never give up 
We'll never be defeated 
We won't die yet 
So put away the white flag
It isn't a time of defeat
Not a time of suffering 
This isn't a funeral
This is a revolution 
This isn't our ending
This is our beginning 
Be proud of yourself 
You've made it this far 
You have so much more to go
So join us and grab a black flag 
Because you'll fit right in, kid 

---------------------------------

Decided to write a more motivational writing piece. I don't know about anyone else, but I really needed it now. Heh.
Like waving a white flag is a sign of defeat, a black flag is the total opposite. 
♡

---------------------------------

this month

I'm tired and half-asleep. Guess that means it's time for me to type up a post! ;D

This month. I swear. It's killing me.

So many bad things and mess ups only pertaining to me. Constantly feeling like a waste. Always, always frustrated with myself.

Ugh, sorry. I don't like many things about myself and what I do. I see so many people all around me, people younger than me, with their writings and art so much better than mine. Like damn.. people are so much more successful than I am. And I'm kinda in a writer's block, so that totally doesn't help. It's just frustrating seeing myself become worse. I have a shifty level of self-esteem, so I find it hard to believe when people compliment what I've created. I hate myself so much this month. Reading and hearing nice things directed at me makes me feel like the people are feeling sorry for me. I might be too self-critical and hate a lot about myself including the thoughts of my writings and art are crap, but I do love all the support I'm getting from them. I don't really know what to say most of the time, so I'll just reply back with a thank you even though I don't get how you see my stuff that way in such positivity.

Haha, I'm a loner who wants friends. But then there's the problem of trust issues involving them. Or thinking they secretly hate me, feel sorry for me, or just don't even view me as a friend. And is pretty sure that I have one, maybe two on lucky days, friend/s. But most of the time it feels like zero. Oh and then there's the problem of how I get tired and disinterested quickly, so I zone out and daydream about unpleasant things. And failing at social skills. So yes, the struggle is still real.

I kinda might've had an anxiety attack the other day that ended up with me having my lip become messed up. So it's finally starting to heal, and now it feels like there's a piece of my skin between my teeth. And it's annoying.

Oh and most of the time, I can't breathe out of my nostrils. It keeps on alternating from nostril to nostril. This has been happening for weeks, and the pills don't even help. Add on this hot and sticky summer weather with lots of humidity, it makes it not that nice living right now. Sometimes I can't breathe, so that's fantastic.

And on top of that, my earbuds got destroyed. Because Thelma's stupid, but more importantly, because I'm a stupid frick. I use earbuds to listen to music when I draw. It isn't the same without them. I can't draw without my cruddy music. That just can't happen, man. It can't.

fml. this month is testing me. there's no hope left. july 2016 vs cutepups. challenge: life. screw this, heck no.

no.

stuck in a rut

I don't know how to title anything these days.

So yeah. Hi there.

Don't be alarmed. I'm not posting less because I'm being productive and doing stuff. I'm still doing nothing but wasting my own life. Well, for the most part. And the few things I have slight interests in don't consistently stay. One of which is blogging. And, well, life.. haha.

I'm in a rut. The essential crisis and relating to life definition. That one. Yeah.

Who the heck from Russia is stalking my blog over 300 times more than I am? And not even bothering to comment? Like, I check and reload my own blog a lot since I don't really have a life, yet I'm not the top viewer of my own blog. Wow, I'm offended. Eh, not really.

Whelp, I just found that all kinda weird. Some weeks I have 600 pageviews from there, and other weeks I have 0 pageviews from there. Suspicious? Hmm? Then again what person decides to always stay in my life anyways? Um.. lol?

What was I supposed to be typing about? Oh right.

It seems that everything I create (*cough* writing *cough* drawing) turns out to be some kind of vent. Wow, I just can't be all happy, can't I? I was a different me a year ago. Wow, me, wow.

Oh and I'm going back to these two characters I created one (or was it two?) year/s ago. Violet and Teal. Anyone remember them? Um.. lol? They're coming back soon.

My writing disgusts me as much as my art though. Like, it's all so.. bad.

Ugh, what is there to even blog about? Everything in life is fake, bad, or boring. 

I don't know what to add here. So..

ah ye

Hi guys! :>

Today turned out to be a good day. Happiness throughout is so good, man. No one brought up the bad things from around a week ago, so that's a relief. 

Like I said earlier, I'm attending this writing camp (a totally different one from last year) starting tomorrow. We supposedly use both papers and computers, which is pretty rad. 

I don't want to make this post too long, so I'll just post my two most recent finished art pieces now. Some of you (some? one person? idk anymore lol) have seen them already. I'm pretty proud of them. I got compliments on them. That makes me feel happy. 

So yeah. Here they are. 

Yo, look at both of 'em being so swag. (pfft.. swag.. lol) 

Anyway, I'm tired. 

aah

Aah, it's Sunday! Hi, did you know that having a slightly larger lip than normal can cause such an inconvenience? Welcome back to this disappointment of a blog!

I feel defeated. I have over 200 pageviews coming from a different country than the United States. It feels like I'm not stalking my own blog enough. What a shame, me, what a shame.

So anyway, yes. Yesterday, I went to this open house for an art college. Because my parents and sister wanted me to go. It's different than regular college.

I'm still kinda afraid of what'll happen later today. Ha, ha, ha.. oh boy. Frick.

I totally forgot about this thing. I'm going to this writing camp starting on Monday. I also have to work a lot more on my summer schoolwork. So yeah, I'm possibly gonna be less active on here and them other internet things.

I have art I can post here, I guess. Not now though since I have to end this post now. But I will. Because.. art.

Art. So many art things. Screm.

ouch

Well, I messed up again. Pretty badly. Again.

I'm in pain. It hurts a lot where it's bleeding. Which is on my chin and in my mouth. 

Aw, I keep messing up myself. I am not okay right now.

This week so far has been awful.

On top of that, I'm visiting an art college tomorrow.

Yay.

Um.. bye.

idk anymore

Well.. uh.. um.. Hello.

I've been back. I just didn't feel like posting.

Posting.. why bother? I'm losing commenters, I'm losing views.. I don't see the point in posting then.

Come to think of it.. what's the point in general? In life? This, that.. anything? I don't know the point anymore. 

Fun, socializing with friends, flying high and not being weighted down by the strings of reality.. those things don't exist with me.

To tell you the truth, I am a bad person. I want to give up. I lied. I ruined my relationships with people. I keep on messing up just about everything I do. Every last friend I had has drifted out of my life. And if any of them come back, then we're not as close anymore.

I see and feel strangers staring at me. Their looks of disapproval on their faces. Their eyes scanning me, judging me. Laughing at how terrible I look. Like I'm some sort of freak. Because I'm not normal like them. I'm different. And let me say this, being different sucks. I'd rather be normal any other day. Normal may be boring, but being different is far worse than that.

I'm wasting my life away. I'm rotting. I even smell awful. I have so many things to do, important things, but what am I doing? Nothing. Because I'm scared and unmotivated.

I'm scared of so many things, and certain people. People that have entered my life. All this fear.. it gets to me. And it hurts.

The number of mistakes I made in this month alone are at the point that I can't bare making any more of them. But knowing me, I'll make more. I'll always make more.

One of my favorite persons in my life is mad, pissed off, at me and half of my immediate family. Knowing that the person thinks you're a liar and a bad person for certain actions.. it hurts. Okay, it freaking hurts.

I keep on doing everything wrong it seems. Driving.. haha.. I'm scared of driving more than ever now. It's kinda related to the family drama (that person is a family member, by the way, just not immediate family.. I think). And then having cars honk at me because I'm not good enough. Driving too slowly when I'm going the speed limit, turning horribly, braking when there are freaking pedestrians crossing the street in front of my car.

For the most part, yeah, they're strangers. But goddamn it, I care what people think. I'm emotional, sensitive, and care way too much. That's usually on the inside. On the outside, I'm more apathetic than empathetic or sympathetic. Yeah, that's how problematic me works.

Wow, I love oversharing. As always.

Everyone is judging me, and everyone hates me. No words said to me can change that. People hate me for one thing or another. And for on here? For posting this ugly post. Probably.

It's just that, well, I'm unhappy. Alright? I don't have many people I can go to anymore, and at this point I'm afraid to open up to anyone new. Art is the main thing I do that makes me somewhat better. Playing with pets, watching TV shows/movies and other videos, listening to music, reading books.. I guess those things make life a little bit better. But in reality, they're all distractions. Without these things, and I guess social media type things too but those also make me feel bad, I'd probably be lying on my bed all day doing absolutely nothing. I'm lazy; is it laziness or just proof that I'm a waste of life that has nothing to look forward to?

From here on out it's just a game of stress. Finish one level, then it's off to the next. And the next. And the next one after that. There's no break from it. It just keeps going on and on until, well, death. That's how life is. And having only a handful of people who I still have that can make things somewhat easier to bare, it doesn't make any of it any easier. Because it's way less people than it should be.

These past few days I've been thinking of actually returning to Twinkle's Story. It's like the only thing I have that's from the past that I have access to return to. It's from the past, I've written it in dark times, I should move on from it.. I know, okay?! But this year is worse than those two previous years, and I hate myself and want to tear myself apart more than ever before. I'm desperate, okay?! I want to go back! I'm not ready for these grown up things, these junior and senior year things. I'm not! If the story is the only thing I have, then I want to go back to it. I want to write better. I want to relive that time when I lived the story in my mind's imagination. In a time when I didn't make the plot an untameable beast. In a time when I was happy and actually meant it. I'm not sure how long ago that was, but I'll do anything to go back to it. I must be crazy for wanting to return to it, then so be it. This goddamn story has caused me to hurt physically and mentally. My own wrongdoing. I don't care though, take me back into it!

Haha, I'm actually shaking right now. Yay for being overwhelmed at everything in life.

Though I might think that what you're saying is positive garbage or irrelevant information that probably won't help me, any positive or comforting message would be something I'll appreciate. Honestly, if anyone out there cares enough to comment anything positive, that someone actually gives a damn about me after all I've done, then I really do appreciate it and love you.

Any negativity at all.. then just go away. Leave me alone.

I know you guys don't know what to type in the comment sections anymore. Neither would I if I were in your shoes. It's just a huge personal mess that usually has sad vibes. But anything kind and sincere will make my day better. Even if you tell me about what you did today and it's something good. Even that.

Because then it makes me feel like I'm not invisible or that people are secretly hating and judging me.

I'm supposed to be happy and excited for things this weekend, but now I'm scared and not looking forward to them much.

Every happy thing has a tarnished and unreal feel to it. Because there's a part in it, a part of me, that isn't happy with anything, including it.

I might become more distant on here. Especially since I lost the point regarding everything.

Oh, I don't know. Anything or anyone anymore.

"There's a part in all of us that wants to be free."

That must be the most touching and relatable quote I've ever made. It's been so long, but I still go by what it says. Especially since I want to be free of this existential dread.

Well, I'll cut it here.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

wow ok

Hi. I'll be leaving in a few minutes. But yeah, hi.

The concert was awesome. Yes. Coldplay. Cool.

Except for that horrifying experience I had.

Equation: my body + hot weather = disaster

I hate hot weather. Myself too because of that, and you know, being me. Haha yay.

Heat exhaustion/heat stroke isn't fun, kids. Nope. It's awful.

On Sunday mornings and afternoons, I volunteer outside. It was hot outside.

It is still hot outside. Ew gross ugh.

And after the concert, there was no power (which basically means electricity) in our house. Or any across the block.

So that was annoying too.

I gotta go now.

Long car rides.. yay. Heh.

Peace. <3

tired but whatever

I'm tired, but I feel like posting now. Yay.

The things I did immediately following that last post were actually somewhat fun things. Not any of that stressful stuff I really should be prioritizing.

Moving onto earlier on Saturday, it started unluckily and kinda bad. Due to reasons. But it got to be okay again at the end of the day.

I actually went to two museums. One was more of a fashion designing museum, and the other was art from all over.

It was a lot of walking, and a whole lot of art. Crazy amounts of art.

I didn't really take any photos though. Not any that I'd like to show, anyways.

I have a long day planned out on Sunday. Monday too. Going to be pretty busy with things.

So if I'm not that active online in the next few days, you'll know why. Eh, I explained it better in the previous post.

I haven't been sleeping that well recently. It's too hot and sticky here, and that's gross. So it's harder for me to fall asleep.

There's so much drama in my dreams. I recently had moving drama and AJ blogging drama in my dreams. They're weird. I wake up having a grudge, lol.

Yeah okay I'm tired.

Take care. Good night.

whoa

Hey guys. Some days I just don't feel interested in posting. So yeah.

I'm going to an art museum (yes, I know, another one) tomorrow. And the next day after my volunteering hours, I'm going to the concert. Then on Monday, I'll be going on that mini-vacation for things regarding my sister. So that's why I might not be as active. Not like anyone really minds me not posting as much, but whatever. I'll try and post some photos. 

I'm also working on some drawings. I'm not sure when I'll get to posting them. None of them are finished yet, anyways. 

I was at my aunt's house yesterday, and us cousins and her friend too were playing Pokémon Go. Gotta catch 'em all! :3 

And, relating to this by location (lol I word things so terribly), this is pretty cool news. So close to where we live is where this 16 year old lives. Yeah so the thing is she's going to be in this Olympic Games. So having an Olympian the same age as me that lives fairly close to where we live that's going to be competing in the Games is pretty exciting news. However, none of us know her personally. 

I just realized that most of the fan-art drawings I'm working on are from cartoons. Nice. 

Anyway, I gotta go and do not-as-fun things. 

~

good news

Hey guys!

I had a good day yesterday and the day before yesterday.

Hopefully, the rest of this week too.

And then this weekend.. lots of things.. exciting!

I also had a dream last night. I remember it, and it wasn't a bad one this time. It was pretty cool, and some parts were actually realistic. That's a start, haha.

I also didn't get yelled at by anyone in my family yesterday. Gah, it feels good not getting yelled at.

I've been driving places, hehehehehh.

I've been watching more TV, well I mean Netflix but still lol, recently. I like cartoons.. they're great.

About that, I want to post my more.. erm.. decent-looking fan-art soon. By that I mean my traditional art. Yep.

Now I have more ideas, hehehehehh.

I also am thinking of doing more crappy comic type posts. Not like a continuation thing, but like a different one each time.

I actually really like how I drew Duke in the second panel (well, in the mirror) and the sixth panel (looks more cute than depressing there lol).

Yeah.. I know, I know. I really should let him and those characters go.. but screw it. They're always mine. (Un)fortunately.

I also have just been told that I'm possibly going on a mini-vacation on Monday. It's something for my sister.

About her.. today's her birthday!

Yeah.

Hold on, before I forget.

So uhm basically. What I felt like ranting about a few days ago is just this little thing.

A few times online I've seen these younger teens say stuff that says they have no friends and that nobody cares about them.

This kinda connects to my awful previous rant, I think. Sorry about that..

Yet then they go on and tag people and do stuff like bff memes. And they even feature people on their profiles, maybe bios too.

One time I saw this person say something about how they have no friends, blahblahblah. And right underneath that they made exceptions. Something like a list of 7 or something online friends and 5 or something irl friends.

What, sorry but if you have those many friends or whatever you constantly communicate with, then you're not friendless.

They have people other than family to talk to about just about anything.

Yet they say they're friendless.

What??

And then they dare say that nobody cares about them and that they're better off dead.

Again.. what??

And when they post that freaking shiz, they get several comments.

Heck, I'm probably just upset about this because they say they don't have friends meanwhile listing both online and irl friends, while there's me who feels very friendless irl at the moment. And questioning if I'm friends or not with some online people too. And I'm usually isolated and lonely. But I'm an introvert too and chatting with people can make me sick sometimes, so.. meh.

But.. man.. I really hate some people on DeviantArt. Just.. gah.. the site. Bad.

So that's that rant thing. Please don't guilt-trip me or anything for my opinion.

That's it for now.

Comic

Hey. I made a crappy comic. Read it right to left. 

Duke is the main character whatever. The evil black blob thing is Soulless. The blob is Bob the Blobfish.

Sorry.. for whatever the hell this is.

Warning: idk for the wording and factors 

Ye lol 

If you're new here or whatever, I used to write this story that eventually turned into a huge vent. It's so stupid, please don't read it. Duke was the character I pushed all my negativity and shiz into and I like making fun of him now since he's my virtual punching bag character <3. I made him do some pretty bad and violent things to like himself and things and.. bad. I constantly think of making cruddy humor with him because I have no heart and like hurting my crappy characters. Soulless is like his demon or something idk. Duke is actually an outer shell for Soulless, but they really hate each other. Because logic. Mainly because Soulless kinda like abused this other version of Duke, Fierdan. Basically, Soulless lives inside Duke. So they're like inseparable. Soulless messes up Duke and Fierdan's thoughts, actions, etc. I quit it mainly because the topics I've brought up into it make me feel very very bad. Let's just say that it's mostly because of dark topics and romance which isn't actually dark but I don't like romance that much lol. 

And Bob the Blobfish is from another blog segment like from the skits but only rarely. Bob the Blobfish likes picking on Duke too just like everyone else. Only Duke knows Bob the Blobfish, so everyone else thinks he's being delusional or something idk.

So yes, crappy comic! :'D 

........ sorry everyone ........... 

Ok so what's going on is.. um..

Actually, just interpret however you wish. It should be simple to understand. Ok not really tho oops. 

I mean Duke is being sad in the shower. Then he looks in his mirror. He is a sad being with issues and no tissues which is sad. Being naked since he's stupid, he walks to his room where he doesn't know that Bob the Blobfish is playing with his clothes. Then Duke goes in and gets mad at Bob the Blobfish and screams at him, "Bob! Give me my CLOTHES!!" while Bob is like, "oh no". Then Bob refuses to look at Duke because he doesn't like him and how he ran in naked.. like that's so rude Duke gosh boi. Then he gets dressed in all black like his soul and core of his very being.. what a sweetie. Then he goes out walking all swag with Soulless behind him with all those dark thoughts that are triggering. Then he gets too many of them and he like screams internally because he's lost in the darkness of himself. 

:-) 

~ Cutepups 

art fart sketch dump

I don't even know. 

............ 

Ok lemme explain. 

The one good drawing thing (the LIAR girl one) is something I drew a few days ago when I felt hurt and upset. 

The light blue thing is a thumbs up ( :) ) and a thumbs down ( ): ). 

The thing on the top right is a terrible anthro head thing that's furiously blushing. Maybe he's sinning too.

The boy/girl... any; idc thing is just me doing my terrible art style generic sketch of a person. The light red is just the person with clothes on. My sketch lines look so bad lmao. In the sketchy + for the face, the bottom of the eyes have to meet the horizontal line. Oh and the top of the ears start at the same level as the top of the eyes. So yeah.. art tips. Lmao who am I kidding. 

Underneath that are the two stick figures I drew with my left hand. The boy is saying boi because he's trying to be cool but is failing. The girl is in a tutu and hair in a bun singing la la la because why not don't judge her. 

On the left side is my amazing 10/10 Steven Universe fan-art. Peridot and Lapis. 10/10 best art ever. Mmmmm. 

Then I drew Bob the Blobfish laughing at Duke. Duke is sin. 

good news: i don't remember my dreams from last night but i also know they weren't good ones either

yeah 

slight rant coming later 

ily 

<3 

Can someone explain..?

Watching a movie and TV episodes have calmed down my anger. : )

So.. um.. yes.

Can someone please explain why..?

I have so many dreams where I walk around in public places (like, idk.. outside, on a bus, in a car, in a school, in a store, in a fitness center, etc.) in my socks.

No shoes. Just my socks.

I keep on having dreams like this.

I don't like them.

I always wear shoes when I go outside, especially to public places.

But why doesn't anyone tell me I'm not wearing shoes when I'm walking around in my socks in my dreams?

People are so rude.

I'll be sleeping a nice dreamless sleep, and then like Bam! I dream about unsettling things.

Why, brain, why... ;-;

Oh and another thing.

I was supposed to call this number for this volunteer thing, right.

I called the number around 10 times, and the phone/s weren't working.

After 4 seconds, it just hangs up on its own. And on the other phone, it rings once and then hangs up. Then it tells me to hang up and try again.

What. Why. Making official phone calls is nerve-wracking scary anxiety terrifying shiz, and for the phone/s not to work.. I'm not sure if I'm feeling relief or more worry because of this.

@brain & @phone/s: How dare you, this is not okay... 

And like I said last year...

Even though it is summer break, my family (especially the females.. lol) won't stop lecturing me about school stuff.

Oh no, kiddos. The future isn't "fun" and "exciting", it's horrifying.

Ehhhehhhehh stop stealing my precious few months of fun : (

Growing up isn't that fun. You got to make decisions. And when you're indecisive me, you're screwed too.

:^)

Happy face covers up the sadness, sarcasm, filthy memes, and wish for purpose to live in this ruined life.

Basically.. me!

Oh how unfortunate this is, but I must go and continue to do absolutely nothing.

ah

Hi it is I.

I hate my dreams.

Nothing good happens.

I'm angry at basically everything/one irl now.

I never get a break from them.

I feel like ranting, but I'm probably gonna make people mad at me if I do.

Great.. life is great.

I am full of hate.

Bye.

ok i ok

I feel a little better today.

Good.

I had another distressing dream though. It was also entertaining in, you know, a funny way. Yeah.. that was a nerdy dream.

My stomach didn't hurt as much as it did for the past few days. Well, that's nice.

I got yelled at so many times today. But instead of crying like I always have been, I just laughed in response to them.

And, guys, laughing feels so much better than crying. Crying is way more painful, in my opinion.

Everything I say on here is my opinion. lol

Guys, I think I have been crowned the most stubbornest stubborn. Like, I am The Stubborn™ (stub).

I've been forced to sign up for another volunteering thing. Woo.. stuff to do.. yay. Irrational thinking, stubbornness, being myself.. not yay.

Oh, oh.. haha! Ha. Ha. Ha. ... I hear that Just Dance song playing from my bedroom window! ???

I mean I'm going to a Coldplay concert soon. lol wow me

In other words, I felt hurt and nervous and guilty (ew bad feelings) yesterday, while today I'm more of at peace with it.

Just kidding, I'm still a wreck. lol look at me and my bleeding knee and nail (knee and nail)

I have more stories of today I could share.. but I'm not going to since no one really cares. um.. lol ???

It's still so hot outside. It's almost midnight and it's still something like 90 degrees F. Weather, you gotta chill, dude.

I am weak in the heat. I'm not that strong.

I'm pretty tired right now like I always am, and I almost typed "string" there.

"I'm not that string. I'm this string."

String. St. Ring. Op. Stop. Ring. Stop ringing, you fool (I mean my phone), I'm clearly listening to OPs of them anime songs now. Like, them anime openings, they always be running. Run, boy, run. Oh, I kinda like that song too.

What just happened here..?

lol idk dude

Well, I'll be collecting the fractured pieces, the fragments, of my broken self.

idk why i felt like concluding a post that way

i like it

this dark edge

emoo

what why

stop

-

sick stuff

Disclaimer: Though I might seem happier in this post compared to the one before, I still feel miserable and hurt. I'll probably get yelled at again later.

So yeah. Um..

For good news, I got my driver's permit today. I completed the lessons, so I got my permit. That basically means I can now drive with an adult in the car. Not only my instructor.

Yay..

Ate some good food today and yesterday too.

At least that happened.

Okay whatever. Time for more truths.

I had a nightmare early this morning. It was worse than most of the others. I'll just say that, well, important people in my life died. And I saw them die. And I did nothing. And when they were in their coffins, they would fly up and explode.

Ah man, there probably is something wrong with me. All these negative dreams. Well, that's fantastic. Effing fantastic.

My stomach has been hurting me (starting from the evening on) nearly every day this week. I had to take aspirin and similar medicine every time that happened. And, well, the effects don't actually start working until hours later. So there I am having to suck up this pain for hours. The worst part is that the pain never completely leaves. It doesn't hurt as much, no, but it's still there.

Physical pain, emotional pain.. it's still there. I haven't been rid of this pain, this mildly unsettling pain, for so many months now. Sometimes when I'm happy I'll ignore the pain, but later on it just strikes back.

And, well, for the past week I haven't been able to eat as much food as I used to. It's hard to eat much without getting a stomachache and/or a headache. So, in turn, I've been eating less and skipping meals sometimes too.

I'm never not tired. This ongoing fatigue every week of the month. Going out shopping drains me of energy faster than anything else.

I spend nearly my whole day lying down on my bed, a couch, or the floor. I'm on my bed typing this. I'm usually on my bed when I create posts.

I either go to sleep past midnight (from 12 to 2:30 usually), or I go to sleep as early as 6 in the evening. And that messes up my waking up schedule whatever thing.

Sometimes when I sit for a while, like when I was in band, my body would just hurt. Like really badly. It would feel like my spine was breaking itself until it cracked in two. It would feel like blood running down where my spine is supposed to be. It would feel like my ribs closest to the bottom of my lungs were poking them making it hard to deeply breathe. And on top of that, it would feel like my heart beating so strongly it seems strange that it's my own. That's what it felt like. Thankfully, I haven't felt pain in this way for a few weeks. It hurts a lot.

I've also been crying a lot more lately. At least I can cry, I guess.

But what really causes me to break is when another person is disappointed in me. That is my breaking point.

When they apologize, I still view it as entirely my fault. I get scared and avoid being close to them for at least a day.

Get Scared.. haha, I like that band.

My levels of self-esteem and self-confidence have been very low. My levels of self-consciousness and neuroticism, on the other hand, have been rather high. That's obviously not a good thing.

There's so many things wrong with me. Self-depreciating humor ftw.

In a matter of seconds, I can go from being emotionally empty to having an emotional overload. Both suck.

I don't do much.

Yeah, it's hard to stay focused on here and be happy for more than one day a week in my posts. It's so much easier to just be unhappy because, well, that's what I am. Hurt and unhappy.

It takes a while for me to let things go. For me to be okay again. If that's even possible for me at this point.

So yeah, haha, that's me.

Something is clearly wrong here..

Eh, I feel like inserting a signature here.

Comment: What makes you feel better, or at least help ease the pain? 

-_-

meh heh eh

EDIT: I just checked, and I lost 4 pounds from last time I checked my weight which was 2 weeks ago.

I'm sorry for posting all this personal stuff. It's become a habit of mine. I should break it because doing this doesn't help me at all. But oh well, I suck. 

I'll post more art soon. I promise. 

f this shiz

Hello it is I, the huge disappointment with social troubles and fear of abandonment due to trust issues. !!! :))

This year sucks. It's been awful from the start. From the very first day. Everything is bad. There's no point in being optimistic anymore.

This year's New Year's was the worst one I ever had. Everyone else I know and don't know had a better New Year's than I did.

And it's the same for Independence Day. Hearing about how everyone else had a better day yesterday than I did. At least they could see fireworks live. Not this year since it's been heavily raining where I live. But at least I saw some fireworks irl on Sunday.

Even my family had a better day yesterday than me. Sure, we did the same things. Yeah but it was I who was on the brink of having a breakdown. And cried. And shivered when it wasn't even cold. And who felt sick. And who had to take pills.

Oh and got insulted before. From them and "friends".

About "friends".. I'm done.

I'm dropping friends like flies. They all hate me for some goddamn reason. I'm a piece of shiz. I know I am. I can't "do" conversations. I avoid and don't respond to anyone much anymore.

I effed a lot of things up. Not just "friend" things. I mean everything.

I'm not good enough. I never will be.

I hate how I made myself become so easily hurt. All because of what other people said to me. I live for other people. Other people give me life. But at the same time, I hate other people. I really don't know how I'm living at this point.

I literally can not imagine myself living as an adult except as a total failure and f up.

Oh wait, I can't forget that "people have it worse", oh of course. I'm lucky. Some people aren't. I really should shut the f up.

I'm not opening up to any more people. All friends just turn into strangers. That's the truth.

Real happiness isn't real. At most it only lasts a few hours. Never for a whole day.

I only bring everyone around me down.

There's no point in saving me. No one can do that, anyway.

Get away from me. Let me suffer alone.

At this point, all words are bullets fracturing my body and soul. It effing hurts.

The crybaby continues to cry.

I hate myself.

-x-

-

Oh. Hi.

I was looking at my posts from around this time last year. Looking at them made me sad.

About sadness...

I'm an overreacting, too emotional, crybaby.

I haven't been feeling that good lately.

More towards the evening to the end of the day.

I broke. I broke down. Another thing caused me to break.

For the first time in a long time, I cried in front of them. All of them. My family. At her house.

On the fourth of July.

Surprisingly, my brother was the only one who effectively tried to make me feel better.

He isn't here that often.

It's still raining outside. It's raining and I've been crying on this July 4th. What a happy night it isn't.

I am so, so, so sorry.

I usually hide showing any emotions irl. But when the negativity comes to a certain point, then the barrier breaks.

I hate when the barrier breaks.

I hate being extremely sensitive.

I hate not being truthfully emotionally numb no matter what hits me.

I have so many scratches on my body. I'm a wreck.

I swear that everyone is a better person than me.

Please leave me alone.

I'm definitely not including a signature in this post.

I don't want to remember.

I want to forget.

-

-

Have some songs that basically describe my emotions.

;;

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iysZG8oA2ys
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ez7vi-kQdM
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iuke-sNRD9A
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=j-tfNaBcyes

Look at these masterpieces!!!

Hi guys!

I went on AJ today. I changed my den design. I'm a hermit though, so you can only enter my void of a home if we're buddies and you love me.

But I made Enchanted look like a bloody shark. She looks good in it!

Peck looks freaky. But who am I to say that when I designed Enchanted's outfit to resemble a bloody land shark.

I also created such an amazing masterpiece in the art studio. It's so good. Totally!

I finally did it! I have created my lines masterpiece! And with all those frame options to choose from.. danggg AJ. I'm nonmember so I can't get any. But I'm rich enough. This is utter nonsense. 

I'm kidding. It makes sense.

Uh.. I just reread what I typed here. I sound like a kid in AJ related posts. I miss those days from, uh two years ago. 

But then again. I want to beat up my past self on a daily basis due to The Regrets. Ahhahhaaahaa.,

I'm such a bad person when it comes to conversations. Sorry, I just suck. 

Oh. I just buddied a New Jammer because I have so many buddy slots open now and I barely play this game anymore, so whatever, and I put up the smile face. And then the person suddenly gets all love eyes at me. Help me. I don't understand love!

AJ love is so fake. The penguin just left me.

Anyway, I've collected more of these blue glowy trophies. The line has began!

I have added the voids (I mean portals) into my den's entrance pathway. Unfortunately, not all of them lead to my other account's den. So that means some of them lead to a buddy's den. At least the buddies I used to activate the portals (I suck at wording things lol) view my blog and know it exists. Haha yeah. 

Man, do I love this shark hat! It's such a beautiful item!

Well, that's enough AJ for one post.

Not really. But oh well.

Anyway, onto a more serious topic. By serious, I mean actual masterpieces. Not, ahem, my lines painting. 

But hey, if you really do like it, then thanks! 

So the other day, my friend (I'm not sure if the person wants me to reveal who they are.. um) created me these two signatures. Ah, them gorgeous masterpieces. 

Haha. Uhm. I didn't create them. I just said that. Well ok then.

<3

Gah, I love how they don't just say "Cutepups". They even feature a closure, so I don't have to say "Bye." in a million different ways before I end my posts.

But I'll end this post in my usual cruddy way because I just featured the signatures. Haha.

So yeah. Bye!

~ Cutepups

my sleeping pattern is off

Yeah. I fell asleep at 6 pm and woke up at midnight. Now it's almost 2 am. This is my sleeping logic.

So if anyone was wondering something like, "Hey, where are you Cutepups?" it was probably because I was sleeping at inconvenient times.

Either that or I was seeing Finding Dory. Such a cute movie! I don't know why, but baby Dory made me almost cry.

I have to go parallel parking in around 12 hours.. oh boy. Ha.. oh boy.

But the thing is I felt suddenly a little sad before I fell asleep. And my stomach has been hurting too. What is with me? Who knows.

I kinda feel like doing art tutorial posts in my cruddy posting style.

I haven't shaded when drawing in so long. But I know how to.. to some extent. But I feel like posting about shading.

I need motivation, that is the key.

Yeah, I don't know where my logical side is right now.

No promises on all that though. At this point, I don't trust what I say about future posting ideas. I keep on forgetting to stick to my word. Sorry.

I start my new volunteering thing tomorrow. Oh boy.

Anyway, I'll conclude this post now. Bye guys.

~ Cutepups ♡

blue drawings and other ramblings

Hey. I went to sleep before midnight last night and ended up waking up at 3:30 am. What is this. 

Anyway, I drew more drawings of Blue (the character I was trying to draw a thousand times or something) yesterday. 

So I'm gonna post them on here too. Cuz why not. The first one was from two days ago when I was more upset. The other two are from yesterday. I like how I drew the last one. Ok so yeah.

My favorite one from two days ago lol

Wow, my handwriting is so ugly. I think this looks cute. The cape looks awkward though lol

I don't know why but I really like this one. She looks more laidback or something. Cut off most of her hair lol 

So yeah. I like them and hate them too. Because I'm somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to certain things; none of them are perfect obviously. 

On a different note, I went driving again yesterday. Haha wow, still can't believe it. 

Um, what else..?

Oh, well, I fell in love with this song two days ago while I kept on drawing sad-looking Blues. It reminds me of some fandoms. Ok, not the fandoms themselves, the TV shows/books/movies for them. Haha, songs take over my life so easily. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=M42EoG1QPnU 

Yes, it's the Crossfire one. Ahahhahahahahhhhhhhhhgfh

You can just ignore the m before .youtube if you're on your computer. It just means that I'm using mobile. I'm always on mobile these days. Always on the go to nowhere. Hehehehhhh

I think I'm going to see Finding Dory in a few hours. Cool. 

Oh, oh! I actually went on AJ yesterday. It was nice going on that, as my sister puts it, animal jams game. 

The updates are pretty nice. I like them. 

Good times, good times.

Ok honestly, I feel so awkward when my brother brings home friends. Because he has friends from different countries cuz he's that cool working somewhere and coming home for one day. Haha, he's barely here anymore. But like, idk, it's pretty awkward. But then again I'm just socially awkward and shy and ew gross in person. Am I even a person? Who knows, my dude. 

Like, idk, visiting friends' houses is such a concept to me. Haha, I don't do that stuff. I'm a lonely hermit. 

That's unhealthy. I know, I know.

I feel bad because I keep on feeling like I'm aiming certain posts toward one person in particular. I feel that to be true, but still. I'm going to ramble about an irl friend or whatever now. Ok sorry ye.

A few weeks ago when we were still in school, there was a fire drill and, you know, everyone exits the school temporary. So then I see someone who has been like my friend and who always talked to me, right. I bet this is my fault for anxieties or something lol. So anyway, I go over there to her being the awkward fool that I am. So she tells me to go to her, only to only say a few words to me and go back to talking to her, I'm assuming, boyfriend. So I continue standing like a fool. Because I am the fool. And then he looks at me. Ok maybe it's just me, but I think he looked annoyed at me. Like I was in the way or something. So I'm like oh ok. So then after the drill, she promised to text me after school and then daily or something. She said she would text me, right. Yeah, she lied and never did. Haha wow. So I have to be the one to text her. Yeah. 

I have also succeeded in making a conversation between another friend or whatever turn from being school-related to something else. What a change. Finally, gosh ok. 

I'm just desperate and really not feeling up to losing the few friends who actually do care about me. Like those irl friends. 

Online friends too, of course.

I don't want to be thrown away and forgotten by them. Because I love them so much. They made me so happy. 

Some of them even bother to care enough to ask how I'm doing. 

That means a lot.

Well, I have gotten some new signatures from a someone. I like them.

But yeah, that's it. 

Bye for now. 

~ Cutepups