idk anymore

Well.. uh.. um.. Hello.

I've been back. I just didn't feel like posting.

Posting.. why bother? I'm losing commenters, I'm losing views.. I don't see the point in posting then.

Come to think of it.. what's the point in general? In life? This, that.. anything? I don't know the point anymore. 

Fun, socializing with friends, flying high and not being weighted down by the strings of reality.. those things don't exist with me.

To tell you the truth, I am a bad person. I want to give up. I lied. I ruined my relationships with people. I keep on messing up just about everything I do. Every last friend I had has drifted out of my life. And if any of them come back, then we're not as close anymore.

I see and feel strangers staring at me. Their looks of disapproval on their faces. Their eyes scanning me, judging me. Laughing at how terrible I look. Like I'm some sort of freak. Because I'm not normal like them. I'm different. And let me say this, being different sucks. I'd rather be normal any other day. Normal may be boring, but being different is far worse than that.

I'm wasting my life away. I'm rotting. I even smell awful. I have so many things to do, important things, but what am I doing? Nothing. Because I'm scared and unmotivated.

I'm scared of so many things, and certain people. People that have entered my life. All this fear.. it gets to me. And it hurts.

The number of mistakes I made in this month alone are at the point that I can't bare making any more of them. But knowing me, I'll make more. I'll always make more.

One of my favorite persons in my life is mad, pissed off, at me and half of my immediate family. Knowing that the person thinks you're a liar and a bad person for certain actions.. it hurts. Okay, it freaking hurts.

I keep on doing everything wrong it seems. Driving.. haha.. I'm scared of driving more than ever now. It's kinda related to the family drama (that person is a family member, by the way, just not immediate family.. I think). And then having cars honk at me because I'm not good enough. Driving too slowly when I'm going the speed limit, turning horribly, braking when there are freaking pedestrians crossing the street in front of my car.

For the most part, yeah, they're strangers. But goddamn it, I care what people think. I'm emotional, sensitive, and care way too much. That's usually on the inside. On the outside, I'm more apathetic than empathetic or sympathetic. Yeah, that's how problematic me works.

Wow, I love oversharing. As always.

Everyone is judging me, and everyone hates me. No words said to me can change that. People hate me for one thing or another. And for on here? For posting this ugly post. Probably.

It's just that, well, I'm unhappy. Alright? I don't have many people I can go to anymore, and at this point I'm afraid to open up to anyone new. Art is the main thing I do that makes me somewhat better. Playing with pets, watching TV shows/movies and other videos, listening to music, reading books.. I guess those things make life a little bit better. But in reality, they're all distractions. Without these things, and I guess social media type things too but those also make me feel bad, I'd probably be lying on my bed all day doing absolutely nothing. I'm lazy; is it laziness or just proof that I'm a waste of life that has nothing to look forward to?

From here on out it's just a game of stress. Finish one level, then it's off to the next. And the next. And the next one after that. There's no break from it. It just keeps going on and on until, well, death. That's how life is. And having only a handful of people who I still have that can make things somewhat easier to bare, it doesn't make any of it any easier. Because it's way less people than it should be.

These past few days I've been thinking of actually returning to Twinkle's Story. It's like the only thing I have that's from the past that I have access to return to. It's from the past, I've written it in dark times, I should move on from it.. I know, okay?! But this year is worse than those two previous years, and I hate myself and want to tear myself apart more than ever before. I'm desperate, okay?! I want to go back! I'm not ready for these grown up things, these junior and senior year things. I'm not! If the story is the only thing I have, then I want to go back to it. I want to write better. I want to relive that time when I lived the story in my mind's imagination. In a time when I didn't make the plot an untameable beast. In a time when I was happy and actually meant it. I'm not sure how long ago that was, but I'll do anything to go back to it. I must be crazy for wanting to return to it, then so be it. This goddamn story has caused me to hurt physically and mentally. My own wrongdoing. I don't care though, take me back into it!

Haha, I'm actually shaking right now. Yay for being overwhelmed at everything in life.

Though I might think that what you're saying is positive garbage or irrelevant information that probably won't help me, any positive or comforting message would be something I'll appreciate. Honestly, if anyone out there cares enough to comment anything positive, that someone actually gives a damn about me after all I've done, then I really do appreciate it and love you.

Any negativity at all.. then just go away. Leave me alone.

I know you guys don't know what to type in the comment sections anymore. Neither would I if I were in your shoes. It's just a huge personal mess that usually has sad vibes. But anything kind and sincere will make my day better. Even if you tell me about what you did today and it's something good. Even that.

Because then it makes me feel like I'm not invisible or that people are secretly hating and judging me.

I'm supposed to be happy and excited for things this weekend, but now I'm scared and not looking forward to them much.

Every happy thing has a tarnished and unreal feel to it. Because there's a part in it, a part of me, that isn't happy with anything, including it.

I might become more distant on here. Especially since I lost the point regarding everything.

Oh, I don't know. Anything or anyone anymore.

"There's a part in all of us that wants to be free."

That must be the most touching and relatable quote I've ever made. It's been so long, but I still go by what it says. Especially since I want to be free of this existential dread.

Well, I'll cut it here.

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