nothing's left

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nothing's left. It's all gone.

Anyway, hi. Sorry I'm at it again. I deserve to be shunned.

Let me just say this. No one is more of a failure and screw up than me. Ok. No one.

I'm somehow still living. I don't know how.

My story-writings suck. It's true. They're awful. I'm not the only one who thinks that.

Losing one of my only passions.. it freaking sucks. It freaking sucks that I have one less thing I'm good at.

Right now, there's less than 5 things left.

Practice. Just.. just shut up.

Oh boy howdy do I hate myself and not feel up to existing right now.

My social skills suck. From what I've seen, worse than anyone else. Yeah, remind me all about that. About how much I hate myself and wanna die. Yeah, thanks a lot. I already know I'm ruining my life and my future and every goddamn thing. 

And what I do say is never good enough. It's always crap, I'm always crap.. wow, what else is knew.

I can't handle this. I've screwed up way too many times. That intrusive thought of death loves coming back. Just about any criticism.. intrusive thought. Thinking about the future (the next day, the next month, the next year, etc.).. intrusive thought. Seeing people socializing well with their friends and family.. intrusive thought. Feeling pain.. intrusive thought.

Hell no, I'm not confessing anything to my family. Nope, nope, nope. Please just shut up. They're the ones who made me feel even worse about myself.

I already felt like crap before he started making me feel like crap too. 

Yeah ok cool. I knew it. I'm a waste of life. Haha, keep on saying that around me, family. In different words. Thanks, thanks so much. Screw you all for saying that. Screw your freaking words. Screw you.

Oh, that's right. I'm gonna be woken up early this morning by people cutting down trees right by my freaking window. So that's effing fantastic.

I had another dream last night. Except for the whole monster that wanted to brutally kill me, it was pretty realistic. Just right at home. I almost died. But I didn't. Sunshine was there though. She made everything a little better. Everyone else wasn't there. Guess they didn't care about me. Then it turned from being about a life or death situation to trust issues. Like no, monster, I don't want to be your friend. You just tried to kill me. Whelp.. that horrifying dream changed me.

Anyone else cry way too easily? After an x amount of criticism, I just cry. And it's embarrassing. Out of feeling inferior to too much of a degree (I already feel more inferior than other people.. irl at least), then cry. Out of too much sadness, then cry. Out of too much anger, cry. The words people say don't even have to be that harsh. I still cry. Cuz I'm a crybaby.

I don't know how to properly reply. So I won't do that.

Why yes, great job. Isolate yourself and don't engage in conversation even more than you already do so. You already have just about no one. Great job, Cutepups, you piece of crap.

I don't know, it's a 50/50 shot. I could either go to sleep and wake up feeling better. Or I could wake up and still feel horrible about every goddamn thing about myself. So.. how nice.

.......... ......... .........

There's nothing left that anyone could bother wanting to save. Every good thing is gone. Not like anyone even likes a person like me now.

Words are daggers; words are bullets. There is no good, only bad. I've learned that spending time with anyone long enough, that good words don't exist all the way to the end. Every word causes some kind of hole.

Trusting people who all just end up messing with my emotions.. what is the point? There sure as hell isn't any.

That's why suffering in silence is my specialty. Words only make everything worse. And it's not like any words come when I need them anyways.

It's scary how I could just disappear and abandon going on here and any other online place. And no one would even notice and start commenting about where am I, due to worrying. Ha.. not like I'm a big thing that's worth caring about.

Yay for nothing.

:/