f this shiz

Hello it is I, the huge disappointment with social troubles and fear of abandonment due to trust issues. !!! :))

This year sucks. It's been awful from the start. From the very first day. Everything is bad. There's no point in being optimistic anymore.

This year's New Year's was the worst one I ever had. Everyone else I know and don't know had a better New Year's than I did.

And it's the same for Independence Day. Hearing about how everyone else had a better day yesterday than I did. At least they could see fireworks live. Not this year since it's been heavily raining where I live. But at least I saw some fireworks irl on Sunday.

Even my family had a better day yesterday than me. Sure, we did the same things. Yeah but it was I who was on the brink of having a breakdown. And cried. And shivered when it wasn't even cold. And who felt sick. And who had to take pills.

Oh and got insulted before. From them and "friends".

About "friends".. I'm done.

I'm dropping friends like flies. They all hate me for some goddamn reason. I'm a piece of shiz. I know I am. I can't "do" conversations. I avoid and don't respond to anyone much anymore.

I effed a lot of things up. Not just "friend" things. I mean everything.

I'm not good enough. I never will be.

I hate how I made myself become so easily hurt. All because of what other people said to me. I live for other people. Other people give me life. But at the same time, I hate other people. I really don't know how I'm living at this point.

I literally can not imagine myself living as an adult except as a total failure and f up.

Oh wait, I can't forget that "people have it worse", oh of course. I'm lucky. Some people aren't. I really should shut the f up.

I'm not opening up to any more people. All friends just turn into strangers. That's the truth.

Real happiness isn't real. At most it only lasts a few hours. Never for a whole day.

I only bring everyone around me down.

There's no point in saving me. No one can do that, anyway.

Get away from me. Let me suffer alone.

At this point, all words are bullets fracturing my body and soul. It effing hurts.

The crybaby continues to cry.

I hate myself.

-x-