sick stuff

Disclaimer: Though I might seem happier in this post compared to the one before, I still feel miserable and hurt. I'll probably get yelled at again later.

So yeah. Um..

For good news, I got my driver's permit today. I completed the lessons, so I got my permit. That basically means I can now drive with an adult in the car. Not only my instructor.

Yay..

Ate some good food today and yesterday too.

At least that happened.

Okay whatever. Time for more truths.

I had a nightmare early this morning. It was worse than most of the others. I'll just say that, well, important people in my life died. And I saw them die. And I did nothing. And when they were in their coffins, they would fly up and explode.

Ah man, there probably is something wrong with me. All these negative dreams. Well, that's fantastic. Effing fantastic.

My stomach has been hurting me (starting from the evening on) nearly every day this week. I had to take aspirin and similar medicine every time that happened. And, well, the effects don't actually start working until hours later. So there I am having to suck up this pain for hours. The worst part is that the pain never completely leaves. It doesn't hurt as much, no, but it's still there.

Physical pain, emotional pain.. it's still there. I haven't been rid of this pain, this mildly unsettling pain, for so many months now. Sometimes when I'm happy I'll ignore the pain, but later on it just strikes back.

And, well, for the past week I haven't been able to eat as much food as I used to. It's hard to eat much without getting a stomachache and/or a headache. So, in turn, I've been eating less and skipping meals sometimes too.

I'm never not tired. This ongoing fatigue every week of the month. Going out shopping drains me of energy faster than anything else.

I spend nearly my whole day lying down on my bed, a couch, or the floor. I'm on my bed typing this. I'm usually on my bed when I create posts.

I either go to sleep past midnight (from 12 to 2:30 usually), or I go to sleep as early as 6 in the evening. And that messes up my waking up schedule whatever thing.

Sometimes when I sit for a while, like when I was in band, my body would just hurt. Like really badly. It would feel like my spine was breaking itself until it cracked in two. It would feel like blood running down where my spine is supposed to be. It would feel like my ribs closest to the bottom of my lungs were poking them making it hard to deeply breathe. And on top of that, it would feel like my heart beating so strongly it seems strange that it's my own. That's what it felt like. Thankfully, I haven't felt pain in this way for a few weeks. It hurts a lot.

I've also been crying a lot more lately. At least I can cry, I guess.

But what really causes me to break is when another person is disappointed in me. That is my breaking point.

When they apologize, I still view it as entirely my fault. I get scared and avoid being close to them for at least a day.

Get Scared.. haha, I like that band.

My levels of self-esteem and self-confidence have been very low. My levels of self-consciousness and neuroticism, on the other hand, have been rather high. That's obviously not a good thing.

There's so many things wrong with me. Self-depreciating humor ftw.

In a matter of seconds, I can go from being emotionally empty to having an emotional overload. Both suck.

I don't do much.

Yeah, it's hard to stay focused on here and be happy for more than one day a week in my posts. It's so much easier to just be unhappy because, well, that's what I am. Hurt and unhappy.

It takes a while for me to let things go. For me to be okay again. If that's even possible for me at this point.

So yeah, haha, that's me.

Something is clearly wrong here..

Eh, I feel like inserting a signature here.

Comment: What makes you feel better, or at least help ease the pain? 

-_-

meh heh eh

EDIT: I just checked, and I lost 4 pounds from last time I checked my weight which was 2 weeks ago.

I'm sorry for posting all this personal stuff. It's become a habit of mine. I should break it because doing this doesn't help me at all. But oh well, I suck. 

I'll post more art soon. I promise.