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FYI: I feel kinda better now. Today isn't that suckish of a day.

There's light after every storm.. right? Everything can become okay over time.. right? Letting the words do the talking is okay.. right? It's okay to have difficulties noticing the positives in life.. right? Intentionally avoiding those new unread messages people send is okay because you imagine the worst they can say.. right? Hating yourself for explaining yourself wrong is okay.. right? Hating yourself for ruining it even though you promised them you would stop being so negative because it's killing you inside is okay.. right? Knowing from the very start that saying it would be a bad idea is okay.. right? Only brought it up because it's really close to my personality and everything about is bothering me, that's okay.. right? Scared and trapped is okay.. right? Right?!

No..

I can't ever explain correctly. I ruin everything of this subject matter. Words keep tumbling out wrong. I failed you; I failed me.

I intentionally avoid what comments say. A few hours later, I publish them. I'm scared of them; I love them. I'm such an insecure and emotional mess. Don't mind me, I'm not worth it. Because I said it all wrong. Just like I always do. Personality, disorder.. I bet it's just my stupid personality and everything else that makes up me. Internally, at least. It still fathoms me why I even care so much to post this negative personal stuff. It makes me feel worse afterward than making me feel better. But I can't get myself to stop. I know you must be so annoyed and angry at me now. I'm sorry. And if you tell me you're not, then I'll only just think to myself that you're lying to me in an attempt to make me feel better.

I never posted this saying I had it. I'm just saying it relates closely to how I do and don't do things. Something about it resignated with me. It's hard to put into words. I'm never degrading what those things are. Because they're real things that shouldn't be romanticized and joked about. I know that. It annoys me when I overhear people talking lightly about such sensitive topics.

I always feel so bad when I post stuff that's about it because I fear that someone reading would say or think "ugh she's desensitizing those mental disorders/illnesses like it's a fad or something :/". I'm really, honestly not. The ones I typed about in my personal posts.. I only bring them up because I relate closely to some to most of the symptoms it lists. I wouldn't post and say I relate to having minor ___(moderate or high)__________ for a thing I don't relate to and internally feel. Like for schizophrenia. I won't ever lie to you and say I have it. Because I definitely do not.

But for the ones I mentioned (specific type/s of anxiety and depression and the ones I listed in the last post).. I'm know I'm not certainly sure I have them, but I'm also not certainly sure I don't have them. And there's also the factor that it's just my brain being screwed up over hormones.. though I feel I'm lacking some.. or maybe that's just my "a"-orientations. So I really don't know anything. Oh and no, believe me, I'd rather not have any of them, but due to all I read about them, I've become suspicious and, yes honestly, curious.

And when I say I read about them, I don't mean just one Google result, first thing that comes up. I research it and go to several sites that talk about it. That explain what that thing is as well as how it's like to live with that thing. And then I take the quizzes on the psych websites. I know what it says is unofficial and I don't ever fully believe the results they give me. But reading about it more gives me a better understanding of it. With how things are right now, I can't do anything more than just searching it and finding information about it online.

Because it freaks me out a little how I do, or think, things that are said to be signs/symptoms of said illness/disorder. And now knowing that makes me feel all the more unsure of myself. And.. unhappy.

So.. who knows. Maybe it's me just being too weak and sensitive for this harsh world. Maybe I really was just a manipulative liar from the very start. Maybe I really should leave you alone. Maybe that overly cool and happy person I was when I created this blog died and can't ever come back now.

No, I'm not unhappy right now. I don't currently feel awful. Don't get me wrong. I just feel bad.. with internet things. Sorry.

Hope this cruddy post explained, or varified, some things.

See you around.. maybe.

~ Cutepups the Fallen Blue Spirit

xx