this is now officially my personal blog

Haha, I rarely, if at all, post AJ content anymore. Including in skits. I kinda still want to draw AJ avatars.. for fun. But yeah, welcome to the pit of "what even is this blog", new follower. I welcome you! (though more and more often I post messed up things and am messed up myself.. heh). This blog is now my personal virtual diary. For like 98% of my posts. Too lazy to write in an actual diary, so here I go posting personal shiz on here. 

Well.. hey guys! This post will change topics several times. Lots of points I feel like making. 

Firstly, another terror attack tragedy has happened today. Attacks in Brussels. Underground train or subway system I think.

Used to it by now, huh? One after the other. Not even that surprised or sad about it.. just.. just anger at how humanity can be so.. so vicious, cruel, evil. Not even just terror attacks in the ways you probably first think when you read those two words. Attacks of terror in general. Race, ethnicity, religion.. they don't mean anything. Know what does? Personality and moral principles (or lack of). Like.. it's just so sickening. And knowing how it never will stop.. attacks from person to other person, hatred, violence.. it's sickening. One reason I have grown a dislike for humanity (I dislike myself too so don't start that excuse ok thanks) is because of this ongoing and never-ending violence against each other. Why do we, as humans, have a thing for hurting others so much? The world is growing into so much hate. And there's nothing we can do to stop it. We enjoy pain. I constantly get anxiety with thinking of how the world is falling apart. Because it is. I.. I don't know what I'm even trying to make a point of here anymore. 

I hate a lot of other things about humanity (well, certain people in humanity). And maybe just the way of life. But that's for another time, kids. :)) 

Oh and no, I don't just mean racists, bigots, *insert something related to orientation that isn't cishetero here*phobes, ableists, etc., etc. only. Like.. other things too. Let's just say how I am growing to hate how romance and sex (look how I didn't just say love because that's not what I mean) are such a big deal and focus in society. Or maybe it's because I'm not interested in either of them.. that must be a factor lol. And how it intrudes in others' lives. Like, idk, "who do you have a crush on?", "nah, of course you have a crush", "think they're hot?", "if you're not straight, you're gay", etc., etc. People at school. Non-stop talk about it. It's just so annoying and kinda ostracizing for people (like me lol) who aren't into either. Why is it such a huge focus? What's the big freaking deal? Can I go a day without hearing about people's love life? Really makes me feel low.. thanks society. Not up to your standards, huh? No.. sorry I don't fit that allo mold for society. My god, people I have to deal with.. ugh. 100% sure of identity orientation? No, of course not. Do other girls think that stuff? I don't know, probably not. I'm just too effed up, that's it. Isn't it? It's not like I do those things those girls do. Or like those things that come with being one. At all. Even if some say the things have perks. There's a reason I don't engage in conversation about those specific things. Okay, I'm a wuss, what's new. People.. I swear.. 

I'm such a brilliant ball of sunshine, aren't I? :)) sarcasm is sarcastic. 

Ok whatever, no one really gives a shiz about what I have to say anyways. Why do I even try? What's the point? 

Well anyway, what does 50% on an online test about things about myself, like personality, even mean? 50% that personality disorder thing? What the hell does 50% mean? Have it or not? 50/50 here. I know I shouldn't take it all too seriously, but I'd still like to know. Because I'm me and I have a tendency to care too much over the little things. 

I strangely have a lot of smiliarities with another one. Except it can't really mean anything since I'm under 18. Even though I've been what it says for quite a few years.. all my life? Well, it doesn't mean shiz now. That's how things are, and I'm just a complainer. That's all, isn't it? *shrugs* (I am way, way, way more social and "there" and feelings than irl.. let's just say that). 

It's totally normal for teens to think and do things in the way I do.. about the slightest thing. Totally average teen brain. Totally! Not telling people in a conversation what you really think, so why not just lie to make it easier? Not making any close friend relationships? Not wanting to be close to anyone? High self-consciousness and low self-esteem. Wanting attention from people who I like, but not knowing how to deal with this attention.. how to respond to it. Can't admit desperately needing help to anyone irl.. or admitting that I'm not all cool and okay as much as one would possibly think. I can't bring myself to do that. Just can't. Negative intrusive thoughts. Yep, totally average. (sarcasm is sarcastic). 

Because.. according to how teens are irl.. I'm not like them, so therefore I'm not "normal". Which I've been told about various things about me for nearly my whole life. 

At least I don't have to deal with school people during break. Breaks from school. Thank god. I can't stand at least one thing about 90% of people in school. 

Well, about last post. My favorite book genre is fantasy (like I said) and my favorite music genre has to be alternative/rock/indie. Instrumental is also nice. I used to be such a fan of pop music, but I learned how pop just annoys me now and that.. well yeah. How it's only happy. Especially when happiness left my mind. But I like indie.. um yeah. 

The music can shape the characters' personalities. I want to make this new story thing as least cliche as I can possibly make it. Like a tough girl into deep and emotional music with her friend, a boy, who's into light and simple music who's more weak than the girl. And they, with their group of misfit friends, do.. stuff. That's where you guys come in. Fill in the holes for me. 

I started this new idea because I really, really want to improve my storywriting. In ways that TEO (starting to dislike that series name now too lol) can't satisfy for me. Like.. something completely new. Different story types, styles, POVs (like instead of 1st, using 3rd instead), etc. 

If you don't already know, I want to grow up to be a writer in some way. And maybe an artist too. I don't know anything about what I want to do with my life. Haha, I don't even know who I really am. 

I'm such a disgrace, and I have feelings you all hate me in a way for being this way.. or just about being myself. If that's even a thing for me. Me, own person? Ha. 

Sorry for everything. Ugh.

Bye.

~ S.

. . . . 

PS: Forgot to add! It's two months to my birthday. It would be great if we make it to 100,000 total pageviews by then.