Ranting lol

Hello. I wasn't thinking of making a post, but I changed my mind. So here I am. Yay.

I have nothing better to do than to complain. Heh. Kinda in the mood to rant.

Ok so yeah.

Rant 1: Cans/Friend/Stress

So um. Cans. Food cans. Items, right? Nothing more than that?

No. True. But no.

The number of these freaking cans. Geez.

It's only about cans. No, I need to bring 20+ cans. The heck? No.

Talking about anything not school related (the cans are school related) is just about impossible.

Aaaaaaaahhhhh.

It's that like one friend you have that only reminds you of the Responsibilities. Which then results in getting stressed and annoyed.

And you try to ignore it, but then more messages come. And look at that. You can't ignore it.

Never enough cans and other items. It's only about this.

It's so sad how boring the conversations I have with people irl are. It's killing me lol.

And if it's not about cans, then it's about grades.

*screams into the abyss* (aka my pillow)

I'm so bad lol. All around me I have to hear or read messages from my peers that are all about how worried and panicked they are over their (not straight A) grades.

And sometimes I get texts about it. But it's rude to not try to be helpful and show sympathy/empathy, right?

I'm not a good person to go to. It's hard for me to show comfort to these people who are devastated over their grades while mine are lower than theirs.

It just makes me more stressed out. I don't care as much as I should, and I'm dead inside. I am not interested in your tears, but there they are still coming.

And when I try and change the topic from cans to what are you doing/your plans this weekend/what TV shows do you like, they last for only a minute at most. And then it's back to talking about cans.

Oh man, my life is so boring.

Rant 2: Other Peers vs. Me (idk what to call this one lol)

Oh and other people. Girls in my grade basically only talk about three things.

1. Academics (grades, teachers, exams, essays, colleges, careers, jobs)
2. Dating (boyfriends, girlfriends, crushes, pda, sexual)
3. Prom (the plans for junior prom sound so stupid and I'm totally lost on why so many girls are making such a big deal out of it like you don't understand I don't understand over 90% of people in school)

Ok maybe jobs should have its own category. Eh, screw it. Whatever.

It's like. Nobody irl is fun. Doesn't make me feel bad or bores me out of my mind. No one. It's incredible.

And I have complicated feelings (like anxiety) that prevent me from being able to actually talk to people. So. Constant feelings of loneliness/boredom/emptiness + being at a constant battle with myself about wanting to hit up old friends and meet new people but being too nervous to actually do so = my life.

It's annoying when you know how irrational you're being about all this. Like I know. I should just go in and talk to people. But that's hard for me. Being told this so many times by people who clearly don't understand how my brain works with its ugly mindset doesn't solve anything.

*screams*

Rant 3: Attractions and Identity

Whew. Uh. Hi.

*coughs*

This one isn't based around school but more like my family. Kind of? I don't know, honestly.

But anyway, just wanted to make it clear. Because it confuses people I know personally. And it annoys me a lot.

Yeah ok.

Just because I write and have written things where there is romance/intimacy doesn't mean that they actually apply to myself.

Same thing goes for drawings.

And some people I know personally know this. So when I tell them that I'm not interested in dating anyone or I don't have a crush on anyone, they get confused. Because lol "sweetie, that writing piece you showed me had romance in it so clearly you have romantic desires too just like every other girl hahaha :)" basically.

Shh, shh, shh. Shut up. No.

Like ok sure. Maybe I do want to become closer to people so I actually know what love in friendship irl feels like. Haha, if I wasn't such a gross anxious wreck.

It's kinda funny having to hear family members wondering about my future. Haha, when will S (that's me lol) get married? She'll marry a hermit just like herself, hahaha. Everyone gets married, so of course she is. And then have kids. And all that -bs-. Or it's just them asking me if I'm dating anyone.

Lol you're funny. No.

Like ok. I don't understand most people in this cruddy world. (lol back with the cruddy, someone kill me)

What's so hard for people to understand that I'm not attracted to anyone sexually or romantically? Why so eager to deny? Will I always be the weird outcast one to you?

Haha. Only a child. Right.

Rant 4: Debates

So in one of my classes, we got introduced to this project where the class splits in half and we debate.

Yeah. Great.

It's also annoying when it's just about all the time where I'm put on the side with the stance I disagree with.

So it's like. I agree with a side for so many reasons, but I have to be on the opposing side.

Ugh, it's hard for me to go against what I think is moral and right in order to think of reasons to support the stance I'm on.

It's almost as if it's more work.

Sigh, sigh, sigh.

It's like having to basically lie. Having to say stuff for something you have to be "for" but are against.

I'm so bitter lol.

It sucks not being able to sleep forever.

'Night.